Self Care

“You won't be able to take care of anyone else if you aren't taking care of yourself.”
“What have you done for you lately?”
“You have to pamper yourself.”
“You have to do something frivolous.”
“Have you bought yourself anything lately?”
“Self care has to be something that you indulge in, something that's just for you and no one else.”

I wrote earlier about self care and how a lack of it can result in a lack of healthy boundaries. I mentioned a time when life had overwhelmed me with responsibilities. A time when I was too tired to do anything but sleep when I wasn't taking care of others. How the lack of self care during this time resulted in my latching onto an unhealthy relationship.

I think it's important to note that self care drastically varies depending on our situation. If life has pushed us into a situation where all we can do is focus on survival and are overwhelmed with responsibilities, self care will be different than a time period where we have less stressors. Ideally, we'd all like to follow the advice of people who have never walked in our shoes and give ourselves more self care when we're most stressed, but reality doesn't always give us this opportunity.

At one particular rough patch in my life, the only self care I had were the occasional text messages I sent to a friend. They were lengthy texts where I talked all about the responsibilities that were overwhelming me. I poured out how overwhelmed I was, how I didn't think I could go another day, and how I just wanted to curl up in a fetal position and sleep for three weeks. His replies were always words that strengthened me. He believed in me. He knew how strong I was even when I couldn't see it. My kids were lucky to have someone that wouldn't give up on them. He always said something that I had difficulty seeing in the moment, but that always made me feel a little bit stronger. This was the only self care I was able to find time for and it was always on the run.... a text sent in a doctors office, or an elevator, or in the wee early morning hours where dreaming of my to do list woke me.

Sometimes self care is giving my kitchen a through cleaning. Or cooking a huge meal that I won't be able to clean up from after, simply because I love creating new dishes and having others enjoy them. Sometimes self care is staying in the shower until the water runs out. Other times it's spending an hour after dark leaf blowing because it's the only time the kids are asleep. Self care can be learning to make your own body scrubs and moisturizers because you can't afford to buy the ones you love anymore. Maybe self care is taking a second helping of dinner when you normally let the kids split what's left. Self care could be drinking enough water, even if you really don't want to drink water at all.

Self care isn't always something you enjoy. Hell, sometimes self care can be downright painful. When you realize that you have unhealthy boundaries, self care means you determine why they exist and take the steps to eliminate them. When you realize a relationship is toxic, self care means you end it. Self care can be having a safe word. Self care can even be letting a trusted sadist have his way with you.

Self care isn't limited to frivolous things that are full of bliss and enjoyment. Self care sometimes is just going through the necessary day to day to make sure everyone stays alive and gets the care they need. Self care may be sitting three alarms instead of one to make sure you are up in time even if you sleep through the first two alarms due to overwhelming fatigue and exhaustion. Self care could be picking up that $5 pizza from Little Ceaser's because you simply don't have the energy to cook the kids dinner. Self Care could be having one of your kids run out in the cold to start the car for you, so that when you leave the car is heated and toasted and warm. Self care could be an extra blanket on the bed or swiping your daughters third pillow so you have one to go between your knees.

Self care could be picking the radio station, choosing your own music stream despite what others like or dislike, or choosing the movie that everyone will watch even if you don't have time to watch it (because you know it's a feel good movie and it'll put everyone in a better mood which means less stress for you).

Self care could be crying in your shower. It could also be spending a day in bed even when there are a thousand things you have to do. It could be leaving the dirty dishes out overnight or not getting out of bed when you remember you forgot to put the clothes in the dryer. Self care can be washing a load of clothes so that you have your favorite yoga pants the next day.

If you google self care, you'll get all kinds of recommendations: take a bubble bath, sleep 8-10 hours every night, eat balanced meals regularly throughout the day, spend time with your friends, schedule a date night, meditate, learn a new hobby, buy yourself a gift, a walk in the park, do something nice for someone else, turn off your phone, take a nap. Yet, when you're in the middle of survival mode, this list might as well include things like fly to the moon or make yourself invisible.

Self care is about perspective. It's important to realize this and to re-asses. If you can look at the things you do in a day and realize that some of what you feel you do out of desperation (such as picking up pizza for the third time this week for dinner) is actually self care (because now you don't have to cook and clean up after), it can change your day. Hell, it can even change your life.

Don't buy into the stereotypical ideals presented by people that have never walked in your shoes. Figure out what your own self care looks like and then GIVE YOURSELF CREDIT FOR IT. When you pick up that pizza for the third time this week don't think, “I'm such a shitty mom for feeding my kids pizza three times this week”. Instead, think “I'm going to practice self care and grab a pizza on the way home so that I don't have to cook and clean tonight”. Instead of wishing you could take a bubble bath, change your perspective. What do you normally do in the shower? Shampoo your hair? Put conditioner in it? Lather up your body? Tell yourself, “I'm going to practice self care and wash and condition my hair”.

I spent a very long time feeling like a failure because I wasn't practicing self care. I knew the importance of it. Yet, quite frankly, sometimes there just isn't time to do anything different then what we are doing to survive. So, when we can't change anything outwardly, the only thing we can change is our perspective.

Recognizing that self care is about perspective also has another benefit. It helps you to open your eyes to the little things people are you are doing to try and be helpful. It helps you to identify what you may need even when you didn't realize it was a need.

Re-evaluating your chaos to determine if you're actually practicing self care without realizing it can make the day seem substantially less burdensome.