Self Care

In March of this year, my husband and I purchased a new home. For 4 months, we've enjoyed living in a paradise location. Surrounded by forests and the river, I saw my summer filled with days fishing and hiking. With a  huge bathtub in my bathroom, I saw evenings spent soaking in a tub filled with fragrant oils and surrounded by candles. I've had the bathtub set up with candles, incense, and oils since right after we moved in. 

Today, I took my first bath in the new house. As I absorbed the coconut oil and eucalyptus, my mind raced. How would I figure out budget tomorrow on pay day? Once again what we need to pay out is more then what we've brought in. I still need to put away the rest of the clean laundry in the livingroom. I haven't put the clean sheets back on the bed yet. The kids will want a snack when they get home from Vacation Bible School tonight. My mind was running a thousand miles a minute. I sank down till the water covered my ears and took several deep breathes. I just needed to R E L A X. Yet, I just couldn't do it. I couldn't turn off my brain. All I could do was think about all I needed to get done. 

I spent a total of 25 minutes in the tub. It was agony! I wanted to jump out and get to work within 5 minutes, but pushed myself to wait. With the 25 minutes over, I jumped into a cool shower in an attempt to ease my pain via cyclic showering. Even though I could immediatly feel unanticipated results (this is my first attempt at cyclic showering), I was still so consumed with what I had to do. I jumped out, got dressed and came to work on paperwork and finish emails. 

Growing up, life was pretty hectic. Everything needed to be done just right in an attempt to avoid criticism that usually came anyway. Throughout childhood and my teenage years, I felt compelled to do everything perfect and before it was due. It wasn't until I was a single mother of two children and in lots of therapy to deal with the violence I had faced at the hands of my children's father, that I started learning how to slow down and enjoy life. It wasn't easy, but I learned how to go to the park and play with the children rather then work while they played. I learned how to set at the table and pudding paint! I learned to take a couple nights a month to go out just for me and dance the night away. I learned that by taking care of my body,  I was better able to accomplish what was most important in my life. I took long bubble baths and enjoyed mornings reading in bed listening to the birds chirp outside my window. 

I'm not sure when I reverted back. I'm guessing it came as a result of getting sick. The time I have in a day has been cut down to a small smidgen of what I had before. Therefore the time I do have I feel I must be super productive. Yet, this pace isn't helping anyone. I work at a furious pace when I'm able and spend the rest of the time exhausted and thinking about what is left to be done. 

I don't know how, but I need to be able to let go. I need to accept that it doesn't matter what other people think and that spending time with my children are more important. I need to accept that the laundry can wait and that I need to soak in the tub and do nothing but relax. 

Here lately I've started to focus alot more on getting rid of the toxins and parasites (yes, I said parasites) that have built up in my body through the years. I realized tonight that there is no amount of eating healthy or cleansing that I can do that will fix everything UNLESS I take the time to relax and let go of the stress in my life.