Control, Splintered, Trust

Someone asked me to name 5 things that I would want someone else to push me in.

I've been discussing how I would enjoy someone else micromanaging my day. Someone to just take over. Someone that I would listen to and follow their direction, even if I didn't want to, didn't feel like it, or didn't think it was best.

However, I'm not sure that I can ever trust to that point. Can I ever relinquish control?

As for the 5 things.... it actually took quite a bit of thought. The big things in life that I set out to do, I do. Once the challenge is over, I move to the next thing. I do love a great challenge.

It's the small things I do not do. Eating healthy and exercising consistently. Taking time to meditate. Relaxing in candle lit bubble baths or sitting by the lake. Watching the sunrise or sunset. Shopping for myself. Put on lotion daily. Staying on a schedule.

I want to continue helping others, but have made such terrible choices in doing so. I want someone to direct me in those endeavors as well. Who to help, how to help, who to walk away from.

*sigh

How could I ever trust someone that much?

Could I also trust them in the bedroom? Trust them to give me the pain I crave but not to step across the boundary into the area I fear? To give me the physical satisfaction I've found only once in relationships? To give to me without my making demands, and without them making demands?

Letting go of control and trust are intricately tied.

I'm afraid I will never trust to that extent.

I have never seen nor met a man I would trust not to hurt me, exploit me, abuse me, deny me affection, punish me undeservingly, and more.

I do not always want to remain splintered.

:(