I wish that life came with a road map and the directions highlighted in neon orange.
I picked him up last night. He stayed here all night. We cried and we argued. We pleaded and we demanded.
We realized that ultimately, the two of us have, what appears to be, two main issues.
ME: I must always be in control. I micro manage every aspect of everyone's life. Although I have stated repeatedly that I am so bone weary tired, that I want someone else to take charge so I can have a break, the truth is I'm so damn tired because I am OCD in my control issues.
HIM: He does not allow himself to actually feel his emotions or follow through with his thoughts. He starts to feel a strong emotion, he automatically shuts it down and throws up walls, usually by being a total jerk. He alienates and pushes away.
To date, I have no idea what he thinks are my positive characteristics, only the ones he feels are negative. I don't know what he likes about my body (well I know one thing). I don't know why he wants to be with me. I don't know why he loves me or wants me.
(For those that have read my previous writings, I had told him when he relapsed that once he told me the truth, I would talk to him again. I did not anticipate his telling me the truth. In his far past, he never did (with other relationships). He would merely leave. As for his being with "her" and using needles again, she was merely using our separation as an advantage to attack me and further severe he and I.
Should I believe him? I guess I don't really know. But what I do know is that he has told me more things about his life than anyone else knows. He says that he was so very ashamed of having taken my pills that he couldn't bear to see the disappointment on my face if he told me the truth. Then, when I would not talk to him or reply to him, he though that I was completely done loving him.
He's an addict. He's struggled and relapsed. I don't know that it won't happen again.
I'm an addict. I've struggled and relapsed. I KNOW that it won't happen again but really, do any of you truly believe me?
However, it's worth the risk. He's the only person that doesn't take issue with my health issues, my family situation, my dysfunction.
I'm the only person that has ever loved him completely and totally, not in spite of what he's done or had happen to him, but because of who those things resulted in him being.
We came to the conclusion around 4am that neither of us want to go back to living how we have been. We haven't been happy. Neither of us fit in "normal". We've been trying so hard to have a "normal" relationship and it's slowly killing us.
So, what have we come up with?
First, I need to figure out a way to release control. I don't think I'm capable of it. The thought of not controlling every minute of every day is suffocating to me. It terrifies me. I had an anxiety attack in the van driving today and thinking about it.
So, how do I fix it?
I plan to, for 12 hours out of the day, hand him total control. Complete control. I will do as he says, when he says.
Why does this not completely flip me out? Why do I not think that he would abuse the situation?
Because for the other 12 hours of the day, I have control.
I know, this most likely does not fit into any relationship that has been seen before.
Yet, we have talked about it all day and think it will work for us.
His 12 hours, for now, start at dark. That leaves him in charge of making sure dinner, baths, bedtimes, etc is handled with children. I am certain that he will instruct me to handle these tasks and direct me in how he would like it done. As for after the children are in bed, I can't say that I have any worries. I know that he will not hurt me in a way that I would not desire. I know that he will push my limits, but that he will give me the comfort I need to be OK. Somehow, I think I will finally get past all the damned PTSD shit that years of therapy have not conquered. I want to. He understands. I think this will work. Of course, we have discussed discipline because quite simply, what's the point of having control if you can not enforce it. Of course, the mischievous side of me wants to make him think that certain things are discipline when in reality I enjoy every minute of it. With a weaker, less intelligent man, I might can pull this off. He knows me better than I know myself in many ways though. If he caught on, I'm am certain I would not enjoy any of the discipline then. Checks and balances.......
My 12 hours start at daylight. When I was speaking of all the chores I had to catch up on tomorrow, he looked at me and stated, "Ah, but now you have a slave." Even though we had spoke of our "plan" all day, he abhors chores. When I looked at him pleased, he replied, "Well, if we are going to do this, we must do it all the way".
Neither of us have any real experience in this. Up until the wee hours of this morning, he had refused to reveal to me his "kink/freak/dark" side. Despite all that I had told him, he was still worried that I would not want him if I knew. That I would be scared off. That I wouldn't be with him anymore. However, this morning, in the wee hours I pushed him not to hold back. Just once to fuck me the way I needed to be fucked. I saw the fear in his eyes. He was scared, not of me, but of losing control. I finally looked at him and explained, "You won't lose control because you will have total control". I saw the realization in his eyes. The fear fled from his eyes and then suddenly he let go.
Completely.
Totally.
He did pull away at one point. Worried that his choking me would be to much for me.
We've discussed this through out the day. He has hidden his desires since he was a teenager. He enjoys knife play, with blood. He wants to be cut as it's very seductive and erotic to him. I asked him if he would want to cut me. He looked at me and, without his normal hesitation in speaking of his feelings and thoughts he replied, "No, not with your history of cutting." Ahhhhh, see? He knows me better than anyone else. Because the idea of his cutting me brought back those old cravings (I've not cut in 10 years). I already knew that if a blade were to touch my skin, that I would struggle with wanting to cut myself when life seemed to overwhelming.
In all reality, this situation that we are creating is the most fucked up, crazy, insane, psychotic, dysfunctional idea for a relationship that I have ever even heard of.
It fits us perfectly.
Showing posts with label slave. Show all posts
Showing posts with label slave. Show all posts
Monday, March 31, 2014
Saturday, March 29, 2014
When Are You ALLOWED to Cum?
I learned something new today. Actually, just this very minute. I was so blown away I jumped right over to my blog to post about it.
There are some men that are in "chasity" (yes, like chasity belts), that are only allowed to cum a few (or less) times a year!!! Oh my!!
I am all over the place with this one.
I was married, at one time, to a man that preferred masturbation to sex. Of course, the only sex he wanted was very tame, docile, teenage sex. Maybe I scared him, who knows.
Anyway, the amount of devotion that one must have for another to acquiesce to their wishes regarding when they may cum.
It is so titillating.
Looking from the other side of it.........
If I was with someone that could make me cum (so far only one man has) and they withheld that from me, I'd go insane! The man that has the ability to make me cum has always made sure to please me, repeatedly, back to back, every time we've been together. Just thinking of him makes the center of my being hurt.
If he ever were to try to withhold that from me, it would not be a good experience.
Which is how I know that I could never truly be a slave.
The redhead in me would surely cum out on that one (yes, pun intended).
I am of course very curious to hear from those that are limited in this way.
What is the appeal for you?
What emotional/mental gratitude do you derive from this?
As hypocritical as it may sound, though I would never tolerate my own orgasms being held hostage from me, the idea of caring and tending to someone to the extent that even that would be allowed by me is very, very, very appealing and erotic.
Oh la la. Let's see what else I can learn today. :)
There are some men that are in "chasity" (yes, like chasity belts), that are only allowed to cum a few (or less) times a year!!! Oh my!!
I am all over the place with this one.
I was married, at one time, to a man that preferred masturbation to sex. Of course, the only sex he wanted was very tame, docile, teenage sex. Maybe I scared him, who knows.
Anyway, the amount of devotion that one must have for another to acquiesce to their wishes regarding when they may cum.
It is so titillating.
Looking from the other side of it.........
If I was with someone that could make me cum (so far only one man has) and they withheld that from me, I'd go insane! The man that has the ability to make me cum has always made sure to please me, repeatedly, back to back, every time we've been together. Just thinking of him makes the center of my being hurt.
If he ever were to try to withhold that from me, it would not be a good experience.
Which is how I know that I could never truly be a slave.
The redhead in me would surely cum out on that one (yes, pun intended).
I am of course very curious to hear from those that are limited in this way.
What is the appeal for you?
What emotional/mental gratitude do you derive from this?
As hypocritical as it may sound, though I would never tolerate my own orgasms being held hostage from me, the idea of caring and tending to someone to the extent that even that would be allowed by me is very, very, very appealing and erotic.
Oh la la. Let's see what else I can learn today. :)
Tuesday, March 25, 2014
His Proposition
Well, I can honestly say that I've had something happen that has NEVER happened to me before. I can't say that I haven't entertained the idea, but I have been taken quite by surprise.
Ultimately, a much younger man has told me that he would like to do some of my chores, massage my feet, be my footrest, clean my shoes, etc.
Well now, what's a confident, independent gal to say to that?
I do not know much about the sub/dom relationship, except that I do not believe it should be merely about the sexual aspects. Hell, I think it's not supposed to be about the sexual elements AT ALL. I believe that a true dom/sub relationship should be about one person wanting to take the lead in all responsibilities, thought processes, decisions, etc and the other person being so grateful for that direction that they humbly submit, wanting to please the one that cares for them so amazingly.
Fortunately, I've been blessed to come in contact with others that also do not believe it should be about sex.
That said, the idea of having a submissive male that would be willing to cater to my whim and fancy....... a man that would not question or debate or argue..... a man that would trust me enough not to break or shatter any part of his being.....
I find that so very empowering.
It feeds and fuels my confidence.
It makes me want to journey forth in this experience to learn, explore, grow.
Someone told me, "You can't be a dom unless you've once been a sub."
I call bullshit.
Because even though I've never been in an alternative dom/sub lifestyle, I have been in plenty of shitty and even some really bad abusive ones. I know how to give everything you have in an effort to save a marriage. I know how to sacrifice so much that at times you don't know where he ends and you begin. I also know what happens when you give so much of yourself and the person you give it to does not show you unconditional love, support, forgiveness and respect. I know that shattering. I know that splintering. I also know how to support, lift up, and help people grow. I am a caregiver by nature.
Have I ever been a "dom"? No, but I'm 99.9% sure that I would do a hell of a lot better with it then the people I see who have miserable subs that only repeat what they've been told they must say.
I'm sure someone along the way is going to blast me as arrogant for thinking I could do what a dom can do.
The fact of the matter is, the people I consider to be "true doms" are the ones that know that I do not presume to have their knowledge, their experiences or their skills. They will totally "get" what I mean by this post and though they know any attempts I make now would be going in blind, they will understand the points behind this post. Because they see through the illusion that exist in this lifestyle. They see the depth that should be there that is missing. They actually give a fuck about their subs/slaves and would never seek to do anything that would cause permanent damage.
I mean, there are support groups for former slaves/subs!!!
Back to the proposition that was made to me.......
I do believe I feel giddy!
;-)
Now to see if he actually reads my writings.
Ultimately, a much younger man has told me that he would like to do some of my chores, massage my feet, be my footrest, clean my shoes, etc.
Well now, what's a confident, independent gal to say to that?
I do not know much about the sub/dom relationship, except that I do not believe it should be merely about the sexual aspects. Hell, I think it's not supposed to be about the sexual elements AT ALL. I believe that a true dom/sub relationship should be about one person wanting to take the lead in all responsibilities, thought processes, decisions, etc and the other person being so grateful for that direction that they humbly submit, wanting to please the one that cares for them so amazingly.
Fortunately, I've been blessed to come in contact with others that also do not believe it should be about sex.
That said, the idea of having a submissive male that would be willing to cater to my whim and fancy....... a man that would not question or debate or argue..... a man that would trust me enough not to break or shatter any part of his being.....
I find that so very empowering.
It feeds and fuels my confidence.
It makes me want to journey forth in this experience to learn, explore, grow.
Someone told me, "You can't be a dom unless you've once been a sub."
I call bullshit.
Because even though I've never been in an alternative dom/sub lifestyle, I have been in plenty of shitty and even some really bad abusive ones. I know how to give everything you have in an effort to save a marriage. I know how to sacrifice so much that at times you don't know where he ends and you begin. I also know what happens when you give so much of yourself and the person you give it to does not show you unconditional love, support, forgiveness and respect. I know that shattering. I know that splintering. I also know how to support, lift up, and help people grow. I am a caregiver by nature.
Have I ever been a "dom"? No, but I'm 99.9% sure that I would do a hell of a lot better with it then the people I see who have miserable subs that only repeat what they've been told they must say.
I'm sure someone along the way is going to blast me as arrogant for thinking I could do what a dom can do.
The fact of the matter is, the people I consider to be "true doms" are the ones that know that I do not presume to have their knowledge, their experiences or their skills. They will totally "get" what I mean by this post and though they know any attempts I make now would be going in blind, they will understand the points behind this post. Because they see through the illusion that exist in this lifestyle. They see the depth that should be there that is missing. They actually give a fuck about their subs/slaves and would never seek to do anything that would cause permanent damage.
I mean, there are support groups for former slaves/subs!!!
Back to the proposition that was made to me.......
I do believe I feel giddy!
;-)
Now to see if he actually reads my writings.
Sunday, March 23, 2014
Freaking Hilarious
This is yet another to the ex, but so worth the read....
Sooooo, do you remember the night we were both sitting in bed on our computers/phones and you showed me this pic??
You may also remember that I looked at you quite shocked!
You: "Why are you looking at me like that? This is cool. (our dog) could sleep underneath."
Me: "Ohhhh, I see."
You: "Why? What did you think I meant?"
Me: "Nothing, I just wasn't paying attention."
TRUTH: I saw this and my mind immediately went to how a sub/slave may sleep underneath. I thought it was perfect, beautiful. Close at hand yet still knowing that they had not obeyed. That they needed redirection. The symbolism of the master/dom releasing them and carrying them directly above to minister to their needs..... ahhhh.
It's just so damn beautiful.
But I couldn't tell you, because you would have once again looked at me like I was crazy. Then, you would have pulled away, acted distant, and be withdrawn during what little sex we did share.
Who knows, maybe one day you'll see this and realize.
Sooooo, do you remember the night we were both sitting in bed on our computers/phones and you showed me this pic??
You may also remember that I looked at you quite shocked!
You: "Why are you looking at me like that? This is cool. (our dog) could sleep underneath."
Me: "Ohhhh, I see."
You: "Why? What did you think I meant?"
Me: "Nothing, I just wasn't paying attention."
TRUTH: I saw this and my mind immediately went to how a sub/slave may sleep underneath. I thought it was perfect, beautiful. Close at hand yet still knowing that they had not obeyed. That they needed redirection. The symbolism of the master/dom releasing them and carrying them directly above to minister to their needs..... ahhhh.
It's just so damn beautiful.
But I couldn't tell you, because you would have once again looked at me like I was crazy. Then, you would have pulled away, acted distant, and be withdrawn during what little sex we did share.
Who knows, maybe one day you'll see this and realize.
Saturday, March 22, 2014
FetLife
Fetlife helped me realize that I wasn't alone. That other people, like me, need non-typical experiences to enjoy sex.
Fetlife also taught me that I have serious trust issues.
Fetlife taught me that I am a control freak.
I haven't' exactly found my niche on FetLife. As in all of life, I appear not to "fit" anywhere.
So, here are my personal reflections:
Slave: Absolutely NOT. There are things I will not do, ever. I know those things stem from being sexually abused in the past. However, I'll never let go that much control.
Having a slave: A year ago, I was thinking along those lines. However, now I'm tapped out. I don't want to take care of other people anymore. I've been building self esteem, catering to others, caring for others for a long time. I know some will argue that is not the role in a master/slave relationship but I call bullshit. To have someone follow your every wish would be the sincerest form of devotion, something to be cherished and cared for beyond compare. One day I am certain I'll re-entertain this idea, but for the moment I have nothing left to give.
Sub: At this point, I want to be a sub in real life, but not all the time in the bedroom. *sigh I have yet to hear anyone else say that. I want someone to pick my clothes, tell me how to fix my hair, tell me what to eat, tell me where to go, what to spend, what to do to take care of myself. I want someone to set out a schedule that takes all the worry and stress of day to day life AWAY. I want to be able to go to bed at night knowing everything is OK, that I didn't forget anything, and that I can just cease to think for a bit. However, in the bedroom, though I do love being the sub, I also like taking complete control and pleasing the man that I am with. I like to feel the explosive release they have when they've not been able to control it, and I can move in ways that entice strong currents through their body. I don't want to give that up. I don't want it all the time, but most assuredly won't give it up. At the same time, I enjoy it when both people want to be dominant at the same time (in a joking, fun way). Yes, in the bedroom I am very multi-faceted and do not want to change that. Of course, finding a man confident enough to handle that is rare.
Dom: Nah....no desire. Of course, I'm new to all the definitions and terms and maybe I'm viewing dom/sub and slave/master differently but although I could see myself potentially as master one day, not dom.
At one point in time I would have felt hopeless despair that I was so tired of the day to day stuff life entails. However, I have spoke with subs and slaves and their experiences have made me crave that even more. That total lack of decision making.
Could I trust someone so completely to turn over control of my every day life? Most likely not. Yet it is something I crave in the deepest parts of my soul.
I am so very tired.
Fetlife also taught me that I have serious trust issues.
Fetlife taught me that I am a control freak.
I haven't' exactly found my niche on FetLife. As in all of life, I appear not to "fit" anywhere.
So, here are my personal reflections:
Slave: Absolutely NOT. There are things I will not do, ever. I know those things stem from being sexually abused in the past. However, I'll never let go that much control.
Having a slave: A year ago, I was thinking along those lines. However, now I'm tapped out. I don't want to take care of other people anymore. I've been building self esteem, catering to others, caring for others for a long time. I know some will argue that is not the role in a master/slave relationship but I call bullshit. To have someone follow your every wish would be the sincerest form of devotion, something to be cherished and cared for beyond compare. One day I am certain I'll re-entertain this idea, but for the moment I have nothing left to give.
Sub: At this point, I want to be a sub in real life, but not all the time in the bedroom. *sigh I have yet to hear anyone else say that. I want someone to pick my clothes, tell me how to fix my hair, tell me what to eat, tell me where to go, what to spend, what to do to take care of myself. I want someone to set out a schedule that takes all the worry and stress of day to day life AWAY. I want to be able to go to bed at night knowing everything is OK, that I didn't forget anything, and that I can just cease to think for a bit. However, in the bedroom, though I do love being the sub, I also like taking complete control and pleasing the man that I am with. I like to feel the explosive release they have when they've not been able to control it, and I can move in ways that entice strong currents through their body. I don't want to give that up. I don't want it all the time, but most assuredly won't give it up. At the same time, I enjoy it when both people want to be dominant at the same time (in a joking, fun way). Yes, in the bedroom I am very multi-faceted and do not want to change that. Of course, finding a man confident enough to handle that is rare.
Dom: Nah....no desire. Of course, I'm new to all the definitions and terms and maybe I'm viewing dom/sub and slave/master differently but although I could see myself potentially as master one day, not dom.
At one point in time I would have felt hopeless despair that I was so tired of the day to day stuff life entails. However, I have spoke with subs and slaves and their experiences have made me crave that even more. That total lack of decision making.
Could I trust someone so completely to turn over control of my every day life? Most likely not. Yet it is something I crave in the deepest parts of my soul.
I am so very tired.
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