OH MY FLIPPIN GOD!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

What the heck?? Does the crazy come out in everyone at once?

HIM....the wonderful, supportive, proud of you for working on you, respect my decision not to date and remain celibate is suddenly pushing to see me, for us to be together. Seriously?? Cause it was only the other day you supported my decision!! What exactly changed between now and then? You're giving me a week and then want to see me. A week? What the hell??

But that isn't enough. Oh no. My most recent exboyfriend (yes, the one that took my pills and lied t me about it) has suddenly decided to......

TELL ME THE TRUTH!

I totally expected him to continue on his merry little way, down the path that he chose over being with me.

But no.

He's confessed. Said that he knows he fucked up a really good thing. Says he wants to be with me. Says he loves me. Says I know him better than anyone else does (well no shit, I've known him a hell of a lot longer than anyone else and was his confidant for years).

I told him that each time during our relationship that a problem arose, that I always had to be the one to fix it. I told him that I have been there for him, supported him, helped him, and loved him throughout a lot of shit and that I was not going to fix it this time. That I should not have attempted to fix his fuck ups the other times. That if he wanted me then he would damn well stand up, commit to it, and work for it. He said "OK" to which I replied, "Really? Cause we both know you don't like to commit and work at anything." (Not making a low blow, but he prefers to alienate himself, put up walls, and not allow himself to get to close and he knew I was referring to this).

He wants to spend tonight with me.

I told him no sex. He said he still wanted to come over. I questioned it and he replied, "I know you better than that."

Damn him all to hell. He's right. He knows my Scorpio side craves sex on a regular basis and I've been starved for two weeks.

But I also know that sex with him will open up the emotions. Will make me feel vulnerable.

And damn it all to hell he doesn't deserve sex with me. I don't trust him. At all. He wants to fuck me he can damn well make sure I trust him first. Cause right now having sex with him would be like having sex with anyone just for the sake of sex.

Ahhhh shit. Who am I kidding?

 I want to find validation in his touch.

I want to see that look he'll give me which reminds me of the depth of his emotions, despite the walls he puts up.

I want to have him hold me all night, keep me warm, wake me with something to drink and anything else I may need.

I want to feel like he missed me.

Like he loves me.

Like he's going to fight for me.

I know that he misses me. I know he loves me.

I don't know that he's going to fight for me.

In all reality, I seriously doubt he'll fight for me.

Why does life have to be so damn confusing?

Why do we have to be so dysfunctional?

Why can't I just stand my ground and make him prove to me that he is committed, trustworthy, and worth all the possible pain and hurt that could potentially happen?

He told me he didn't know how to "fix" us.

To be quite honest, I don't know either.