I Need

I need to be your “little girl” for a day. Not your “good girl”. I need you to greet me in the driveway with a soft and gentle kiss. I need you to carry in my bag as you always do and then take me out to dinner. I need you to have it all planned out. Where we go, what you will order for me to eat, what I will drink and even how much. I need you to cut my food for me if it needs to be cut. I need you to hold my hand and sit beside me. I need you to stay with me every moment we are in public. Not to walk away and leave me a crowd. If you must walk away, to make sure I am not in the crowd but feeling safe.

I need you to find something for us to do that makes us feel as one. Whether it’s line the goofy time you had is both get sunglasses or the time you held me on the couch through the entire long movie. I just need something together that isn’t dinner. That isn’t sexual. It doesn’t matter what it is as long as we have to do it together. Something that isn’t a necessity (like grocery shopping).

I need you to protect me as you would a little girl who the big bad world is trying to trample upon and break.

I need you to take me home after and undress me. To take me to the shower and gently wash my hair and body. To rinse and dry me and then put lotion on me. All work girly-ish smell good stuff versus the manly green soap. I need you to do all of this like the night you kneeled before me and washed my feet so long ago.

I need you to dress me in one of your button down dress shirts that you’ve worn and that smells like you. I need you to make every single decision for the entire evening and night.

When we do make it to the bedroom, I need you to caress me, to love me, to remind me often that I am your good girl and that you care for me deeply. I need gentle kisses as your hands are around my neck. I need massages and rub downs. I need you lay down the belt for the night and tell me once again how beautiful you think my skin is. I need you to protect me and keep me safe.

I need it to be ok that I give nothing in return. That I simply allow you to care for me. Years past, when our visits were frequent, you were so in tune with me that you knew when I needed this. I never had to speak it.

The last couple of times that I’ve left I have felt empty. I wanted you to still instinctively know, even though we rarely see one another.

I want to feel like I am the only one. You know that I don’t mind the others. You even know that I’ve long since gotten over the confusing emotions when I found out ther had almost always been two others like me, instead of just the randomness I thought. You know I don’t mind them as they change nothing for us. But for a night I need to feel like I am the only one.

I need to walk away feeling full, feeling brave, feeling strong.

Because right now I’m the “little girl” and not the “good girl”. I’ve been the “little girl” for quite some time and had I simply told you before then you would have helped me. It took me a while to understand it was simply because our rarely seeing each other has kept us not as deeply connected as before. Because when I’m a little girl it takes me longer to figure things out.

I need your Love and strength to remind me of the woman I am .I need you to tend to the little girl so the woman can come back and conquer the world.

Masturbation....Not For Me

It seems the stars have aligned in such a way that many have struck up conversations in the last couple of days regarding masturbation. Some of these are due to my writings where I mentioned that by mid30s I had only had 3 orgasms. Others just seemed to be the cosmic powers that are influencing things!

So, I'll lay it out here.

I was a mother of two children before I had my first orgasm. We were on the living room floor, on a very very expensive rug (worth more than all my possessions). I was on top, riding to my heart's content. When it happened, I thought I had urinated. Which is what I told him. I was appalled that I had urinated on that rug! He quickly jumped up to grab something to wipe it up. While cleaning it up he asked, "Are you sure it was urine?"   Dumbfounded I asked, "What else could it be?"  He then asked if it could have just been an orgasm. When I told him I didn't know, that I had never had one nor had I ever pissed myself during sex, he looked at me incredulously. I told him he was the doctor, he should know which one it was. Once he regained his voice, he said, "Well, it looks as if I gave you your first orgasm". Throughout the next few days he asked me quite a bit of questions. I would have thought a doctor would know that some women don't have orgasms, but he seemed pretty shocked.

Many years ago, my rape therapist told me that it was all about trust. Once I found someone I trusted not to hurt me, I'd be able to relax enough to achieve orgasm. I laughed and asked her, "Well, I can't orgasm when I masturbate either. Does that mean I don't trust myself?"  With a very serious gaze, she stared deep into my eyes and asked, "Well, do you?"   (Wake Up Call)

The second and third time came a decade later. By the same person. By fingering on that wonderful Gspot. I am certain I could have had more, however my trust in him became corroded. He had been dishonest with me in an attempt to "spare your feelings". I discovered then that once trust is gone, I can no longer come anywhere close to orgasm.

Then, I met HIM. I can't count how many mind blowing, earth shattering, back to back, explosive, saturating, call for Noah we're gonna drown, orgasms HE has given me. All with fingering that exquisite spot. Never had he failed to bring me to that lovely place where all else is forgotten and my body floats in an ethereal cloud of tranquility.

Most recently, I did achieve orgasm once by a different mean. It was purely with clit stimulation. It was not anything like the orgasms achieved previously. This was a very laid back, mild, go with the flow type of orgasm. It was nice, and I wouldn't mind it on a regular basis either. I could never achieve it again, as trust was broken in that relationship also.

However, my body craves the other kind that HE has made sure I've become accustomed to.

So, there you have it. I have only found one man that can consistently make me cum. Do I trust him? Yes and No. Ironically enough, he's the ONLY man I've ever allowed to be rough with me. His bites have left bruises that lingered for weeks and that caused me to gasp if I turned the wrong way. His belt has left welts. His thrusts have left me bruised and sore for days. His grasp on my hair left my scalp tender and washing it painful. Yet, HE is the one man that I trust totally and completely not to hurt me. Yes, he's done things that sent me into a flashback (PTSD) before. Yet, he is also the one that held me, comforted me, and kept it from escalating. He'll never do the same thing again, until I come to him and ask that we ease into it. I trust him never to hurt me. In his own way, he wants to protect me. He wants to keep me from harm.

Whether I openly admit it or not, I know that I am his "good girl".