April is Autism Awareness Month

April is Autism Awareness Month.

Both my boys are on the spectrum.

I could list here all the different aspects of Autism.... the characteristics, the hardships, the differences, the variations, etc.

Those you can find on Google.

My eldest son is an amazing young man. He has more compassion for people than I have ever seen. I look at the great prophets and saints recorded throughout history, in various religions and various chronicles, and I'm certain that my son ranks with them. Never has anyone loved, cared, felt so deeply. OK, well, maybe not "never", but most assuredly not often.

He is very very intelligent. Math in his head..... photographic memory...... figuring out complex issues without a second thought. He will look you in the eye when speaking to you. He will smile, and laugh.

Yet, life is difficult for him.

Each task that he has to accomplish must be broken into the smallest of steps. "Task Analysis" is the term used for this. Let's use brushing your teeth as an example. For you and I neurotyps (stands for neuro typical.....meaning we do not have Autism), it's a one step process, isn't it? Not so for those on the spectrum. Brushing your teeth consists of multiple steps. A task analysis for teeth brushing looks like this:

Pick up your toothbrush

Turn on the water

Rinse your toothbrush

Take off the lid of the toothpaste

Squeeze a small bit of toothpaste on your toothbrush

PUT THE LID BACK ON THE TOOTHBRUSH

Begin to brush your teeth

Brush the back inside teeth

Brusth the back outside teeth

Brush the front inside teeth

Brusth the front outside teeth

Repeat process

Rinse toothbrush

Put toothbrush back in the toothbrush cup

Turn off the water

15 steps just to brush your teeth. How many steps do you think a task such as showering has? Or, what about cleaning a bedroom? Cleaning a kitchen after a meal has been prepared? Getting ready for school? Yeah, it can be overwhelming.

Another obstacle is the fact that, for all outward appearances, he looks "normal". Sure, his clothes may be mismatched, inside out, buttoned wrong or untied. His hair may not have been styled and he may not have brushed his teeth. He may have forgotten his glasses and therefore is squinting to see. Yet, he looks "normal".

So, when you use sarcasm, and he doesn't realize it, you may think he isn't paying attention. Did you roll your eyes and yet he didn't seem to notice that either? Did you change the tone of your voice to sound stern, yet that didn't cause any effect? Have you placed your hands on your hips to make your point, yet still he doesn't seem to care?

He does care. He can't read facial expressions, tone, inflection, body posture and the like. When speaking you must speak truthfully, directly, and without vague references.

He battles Obsessive Compulsive Disorder. He has a level of perfection in his mind that he must achieve. Accepting anything less is very difficult and only achieved with outside intervention.

He's also Type 1 Diabetic and although he's a pro at counting carbs, he can not remember when to check his sugar, to check ketones, or when he must have a site change. He can not make executive decisions in situations where one has to look at the totality of the situation to determine if one should treat a low, take more or less insulin, or eat a meal a bit early. Carbs are carbs and he can't understand how some carbs can impact him so negatively, while others do not. Due to his sensory issues, he is not able to "feel" his highs or lows. Thus, he has to check his sugar, with reminders from others, every two hours.

"Micro-manage"....that's the word we use. For tasks to be completed, they must be micro-managed. We've learned ways to be successful, but it takes much more effort than one could ever imagine.

He won't be able to live independently. This is a realization I only allowed myself to accept most recently. When I spoke to him about it, he had realized it long before. He knew that diabetes, added on top of his Aspergers and other health issues, altered his life. I struggled with accepting this much more so than him.

Do I mind that he will always live with me? Not at all. I love my son and will champion him and fight for him more than anyone else. I enjoy his company, and he constantly is able to remind me of what really matters (compassion towards others). We'll travel to wondrous places and conquer dragons. It will be a good life.

I struggled to accept it because, as with most things, I had a mental picture of what his future would be. It was different then what it is. It isn't worse or better. Just different. Sometimes we all have trouble accepting different and change. I'm working on wrapping my arms around the new picture and loving up on it!

He doesn't have many friends. The ones he do understands that he processes information differently and therefore have adapted to make things easier for him. The friends he does have are the truest and purest kind that understand different is not wrong. They are true champions as well. They remind him to check his sugar, listen as he talks for hours about his single interest, and get him to eat when he feels to bad to do so.

The college he attends has gone out of their way to meet his needs. He has a tutor, as well as two instructors that meet with him to help. They remind him to do sugar checks, to clean up his messes, and to eat regularly. They pay attention if he starts to get a little foggy headed, know emergency numbers, and where his diabetic supplies are. They open their offices regardless of their schedules and have truly become a great support system.

Depression and anxiety are constant companions. His high intelligence level makes him aware of what is considered "normal". Although he knows what others perceive as "normal", and what he would have to do to be that way, he can not do those things. As a result he feels he doesn't fit into this world. He gets frustrated because he can't seem to accomplish the things he sets out to do. He is saddened that other people get angry with him, when he intended no harm. It hurts him that others assume things about him based, not on who he is, but on what their perception of normal is. He becomes anxious around new people, or in crowds.

The truth is, if we, society, changed our perception of what normal is, his life would be easier. If we could understand that those on the Autism spectrum are literal and honest, his life would be easier. If we could quit judging those that dress different, act different, or even look different, his life would be easier. If we were to be straightforward and honest instead of hiding behind falsities, innuendos, and subtle hints, his life would be easier.

April is Autism Awareness Month.

What can YOU do to make a difference?

Reach out to those that have Autism. Take the time to get to know them. Learn how to effectively communicate with them. Become their friends. Friendship is give and take. They will give more than you can comprehend initially. Let go of your preconceived ideas and act on love.

Remember, every single person with Autism is different then the next person with Autism. There is not a mold. Each are different. Get to know them and be their friend.

I promise, it will be worth it.

Asperger Suicide Rates

The results are in. A study in the UK has shown that 66% of people with Aspergers are suicidal.(Stats show only 17 % of the general population and 59% of those with diagnosed psychosis are). Of the 66% of people with Asperger with suicide ideation, 35% have planned or attempted suicide. 31% reported depression. It was unexpected that more people reported lifetime experience of suicidal thoughts than were depressed.    

What about children? Although the studies are still few and far between, studies have shown that children ages 1-16 with Autism have suicide ideations or attempts. 

There are a variety of ideas as to why those with Aspergers are ten times more likely to have suicide ideation than the average person. Everything from social isolation to inability to understand emotions. 

As a near-typical I can't say that I understand or know the answer. However, as a person that loves many Aspies, it appears to me that it may be due to their knowing exactly how unique they are. They see the world completely different than neuro-typs. As a result, they can not understand how people can wear blinders, be cruel, not pursue their own happiness, and more. Constantly bombarded with other people's trivial thoughts without being able to understand why people are "fake"...... and even if they do understand the logic of it, it still isn't anything they can do. 

You see, the Aspies I know don't think they belong here. They don't feel they will ever fit in. 

I hope they never do fit in. I hope they stay right here walking among us and showing the world how we are supposed to love and embrace empathy. 

Without a shadow of a doubt, I know that my life is enriched and that I am a better person simply because I know an Aspie.

http://www.thelancet.com/journals/lanpsy/article/PIIS2215-0366(14)70248-2/abstract?cc=y

http://www.sciencedirect.com/science/article/pii/S1750946712000931

http://www.thelancet.com/journals/lanpsy/article/PIIS2215-0366(14)70248-2/abstract

Overactive Mind, Complete Honesty, Future Relationship

My mind keeps going back to the rebound situation. I have thought about it from every possible angle. I've been in conversation with my intellectual friend discussing the various aspects.

This is the first time that I've truly admitted that I use rebounds, and how complete my abandonment of them is after. This is the first time that I've ever decided that I would no longer do that. Having done so, I feel that I am not even capable of looking at someone with that concept. Typically, there requires only a few factors me me to take on a rebound relationship: Physical Attraction on both parts, their acceptance (even if superficially) of the terms I present of it being a rebound, and their understanding that it is not to be spoken of.

Yet, this new potential rebound is not equating that way at all. Instead, I notice all these little things about him..... the way he cuts his eyes sideways at me when I say something that catches his attention, the way he smiles and gives me quick light dainty kisses on my head as he walks by, the way he genuinely listens to EVERY SINGLE THING I SAY without complaint even when I'm babbling. His impressive knowledge, intellect and genius. I am certain I could speak to him of any topic and he could hold his own. He also has this unique way of being able to genuinely see things from other people's perspectives. It's a very logical outlook and though he may not be able to understand the why behind it, he can see it! There is also his inability to be dishonest.

Ahhh yes, I do believe that is, at the moment, the feature that draws me to him the most. I have always told those I have dated that as long as they were 100% honest with me and transparent, that we could make it through anything. That I would stand at the gates of hell and fight Satan himself if required, as long as I knew I could trust them to be honest with me. The concept of having something I had already deemed as impossible ..... I feel almost as if it is a fairy tale dream.

I'm also looking at the other possibilities concerning this honesty. Am I really willing to deal with any situation as long as honesty is a part of it? I've never really thought it through since I never thought it was possible. It requires deeper thought to be sure.

Of course, I have been strongly considering a full dom/sub relationship. A relationship where the Dom would be able to push me past the issues I have not been able to get past. Where he would take control so that I would not have to. A relationship where I would be the clay to be sculpted by someone that knew me as well as I knew myself and could help me get past the dysfunctions I have.

Somehow, I do not see that as being the case with this intellect.

However, could being with someone incapable of dishonesty help my trust issues? Could it bring me to a new level of healing simply because I could trust this person to never deceive me? Could this be a path to growth?

I've explained to him the fear that I have of using him as a rebound and dismissing him when done. However, I think that through discussing it, I've realized that I won't do that with him. I've also explained that I'm not over my ex, that I still have heart strings connected. He seems at peace with both scenarios. We're still discussing the ins and outs. What we both would like, what we don't like. Hard limits, soft limits. Where we would like it to go, where we don't want it to go. I don't think I've ever discussed having a relationship so much before starting one before.

We'll see how it goes. At present, I'm counting down the days till I see him again. By that time I should have fully debated all the ins and outs and decided whether to pursue this.

All in all, the positives listed below seem to be overweighing any potential negatives:

Inability to be dishonest
Physically affectionate
Adorable and Sexy, depending on the moment
Intelligent, Intelligent, Intelligent
Unique
Switch with similar fetishes
Unbelievable girth (as in OMG is that even possible?!?! and I don't know if it can even fit)
Likes to shoot big guns (oh come on, you KNOW that's sexy!)
Did I mention intelligent? ;)

Hmmmm..... looking forward to this journey regardless of what he and I decide. Because even if we do not pursue a relationship, we already have the foundations of an amazing friendship.