I Reside In Hell

I married him. After all, I stayed and I married him.

After, on our honeymoon, the suspicions and doubts I'd had but were never fully certain of were confirmed.

Months have passed and each day it seems that I discover more deceit. More untruths.

I married an absolute stranger.

I know only one thing, that I know nothing about him.

Each day is filled with deceit, dishonesty and lies. Each day is filled with his pretending to be something he isn't. Each day is filled with him accusing me of being something that I am not, while admitting to more lies. Each day is a contradiction of the day before.

He says that he loves me even as he lies to me about who he is, what he is, where he is and even who he is with. He says that he loves me even as he says that he would tell any lie to get what he wants. He says that he loves me even as he says that he doesn't care about my feelings. He says that he loves me even as he tells me that I am guilty of the very things he does.

He says that he knows I am as dishonest as him. He says that I must also have cheated. He calls me a hypocrite and a liar. He tells me that I do nothing but "whine" and "complain" about his dishonesty and that I have no right to do so.

He hates every fiber of me, and yet knows nothing about who I am.

Three years I have been in this warped relationship where he uses me at his whim and cares nothing for the damage or havoc he wrecks.

I fear admitting defeat.
     I fear admitting that I was completely and totally wrong.
          I fear admitting that I could have been so totally and completely conned and deceived.
                I fear what all of that will mean.

I know not who I am.
I know only what I am not.
And I am NOT any of the things he accuses me of.