Divorce

I wrote this magnificent post earlier, but apparently it disappeared into cyber space. *sigh
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We've been apart for three and a half years. Today, we went to court for our divorce.

We were the only couple in the courtroom that were laughing and joking with each other. You took the stand and the judge asked when we were married. You looked at me, I looked at you..... both of us dumbfounded. The bailiff looked at us confused. When I whispered across the courtroom to you, "December" and then you noticeably started counting years to figure out the year, the lady behind me started to laugh. Even the bailiff got tickled. When he handed us our divorce papers, his "Congratulations" was all smiles! I'm guessing that isn't something he usually gets to say. No one else in the courtroom was smiling.

After court we spoke for a while. I'm unsure why you lied to me about where you were parked. Had you simply told me you didn't have a car, I would have offered you a ride and been fine when you declined it. I guess some things never change. You never could accept that in some areas I was better than you. I always tried to explain to you that is the beauty of life. There were things that you did better, things that I did better. It never made either of us better than the other. We had differences, yet if everyone was the same, how boring would life be?

After a half hour or so, we parted. As I drove away, I remembered the night you abandoned our family to join your mistress. I was so dumbfounded that you would choose a drug addiction shared with her over the life we had started creating together.

More than dumbfounded though....... I WAS PISSED.

I stood in the driveway and yelled and screamed at God and Satan both. I told them if that was the best they could throw my way, than they were nothing. I yelled at them, "Give me your best shot cause you'll never break me". I screamed, I cursed, I yelled.

Afterward I realized that if all the Bible stories are true, then I should be grateful I was not living in Biblical times as the curses I called out would have had God smote me there on the spot.

I've often wondered, in the years past, if Satan and God decided to honor my taunts.

Life has surely been a walk through hell since.

You wiped out the bank account and left us three months behind on all the bills.

We've lost 16 people to death since you left, all but two of them to cancer.

Our dog was murdered by hunters I pissed off.

The dog you left behind was kidnapped in the middle of the night. Her mate showed up three days later, irrevocably shaken. She never appeared though we still post her pic and beg people to let us know if they see her.

I came out of remission. Docs say 6 to 12. What do they know, eh? They were wrong the first time, they'll be wrong this time (gotta put on a brave face when you're a mom).

Life has been very difficult for the kids and I since you left.

Yet, when you walked in that courtroom today, I instantly realized how much easier life has been since you've been gone.

I don't have to worry about looking for female cashiers so you won't get insecure when the male cashier smiles as he hands me my change.

I don't have to make sure the house is spotless when you come home from work, I can actually take a day to play with the kids and have toys or art supplies across the table.

I don't have to go back behind your rants and explain to the kids that the things you said to them are not true, that you are merely manifesting your own self esteem issues onto them.

I don't have to sit at home and plead for gas money to take the kids to the doctor.

Yeah, you're gone. Life got hard as hell. But it's still so much better than what it was.

What I Learned This Christmas

Just before Thanksgiving this year, my husband decided he wanted nothing to do with myself or our three children. He wouldn't even share Thanksgiving dinner with us. He left us with past due bills and took the entire months' income with him. Everything looked dark and dreary...... hopeless.

I think the worst thing that happens when a spouse abandons you is that you lose your hope in people....all people. You lose your faith in the goodness of people. You look around and feel that everyone around you is living a lie. If the person you cared most for, the person you were closest to, the person who knew you better then anyone and the person you knew best.......if that person can suddenly walk out and abandon you, then can you really trust anyone at all?

I would pull up in a parking lot and look at fathers walking with their children and think, "Poor kids....they'll be crushed when he walks out on them". I'd see a couple holding hands and walking in a park and think, "I bet she thinks she knows him." I'd hear people make promises to me, and think "Only until it's not convenient for you". All my faith and hope in humankind was gone.

So, I prayed. I am so shattered that praying is difficult. I become so overwhelmed with emotions that the words just won't come. I cry out in agony and just ask God over and over again to help me. To help my children. I asked God that if all this heartache had to happen to us, then could He please please please at least let others be touched by it and come to know Him. I've learned in life that begging for God to make all the bad to go away doesn't work, but that God can take ANY situation and bring it to good.

At these times, in these moments of agonizing prayer, I'm comforted by the words at Romans 8:26-28, "In the same way, the Spirit helps us in our weakness. We do not know what we ought to pray for, but the Spirit himself intercedes for us through wordless groans. And he who searches our hearts knows the mind of the Spirit, because the Spirit intercedes for God's people in accordance with the will of God. And we know that in ALL THINGS God works for the good of those who love him."

This Christmas, an anonymous donor contacted the electric company wanting to pay someone's bill as a gift. This wonderful person paid two past due bills for us, preventing our disconnect today. I don't know who they are, but they wished our family a "Merry Christmas". Two friends helped me to pay the mortgage this month. One friend did so by giving me some of her birthday money she'd gotten. I'm not even sure if the other family could really "afford" to help, but they did so anyway. They also purchased gifts for our children, including some much much needed clothing for our family. Another friend took us shopping so we could get immediate needs met, such as shoes, clothing and even underwear, even though they struggle as a single parent! Someone brought us a large bag of dog food to help feed the large dog my husband left behind. They also helped us to set up a larger kennel for the dog and provide her with an area protected from rain. A friend, her mother, and her sister (who I'd never met) donated groceries, laundry detergent, toilet paper, paper towels, a tree, decorations and Christmas gifts for the children. We had three invitations for Thanskgiving dinner last month, and not one of them asked us to bring anything. To top it off.....we got to take home leftovers that fed us for a week. Someone I've never met gave me a gift bag with Mary Kay items in it! Another friend, despite tons of medical bills, brought by gifts for the children. Person after person has offered prayers for our family.

It's a good thing the Holy Spirit prays for us when we can't, and that God hears our prayers. I never prayed for God to restore my faith in people, but my heavenly Father did so anyway.  

Tonight, I sat down to wrap presents. Growing up, I didn't celebrate holidays. I have not experienced it as an adult either. Holidays seemed to me so dismal....a blatant reminder of the greed of people. How they would shove and push to get the "best deal" at a store. How people would brag about all they'd gotten for other people for Christmas which only reminded me of the Pharisees. How families would go in debt just to keep up appearances so others wouldn't know how broke they truly were.

Yet, tonight I sat down and wrapped presents. As I wrapped each one, I'd think about the pleasure and joy I was going to see on the children's faces when they opened their gifts. I thought about the person who'd so carefully chosen that gift for them. I thought of how they had not done so for personal gain, but to help my children get through a Christmas darkened with their father's absence. I thought of how my children were going to learn that even in their darkest hour, God is there for them and providing for them abundantly!As I looked at the gifts others have poured upon us, I think of the scripture at Matthew 7:11 that reads, "If you, then, though evil, know how to give good gifts to your children, how much more will your Father in heaven give good gifts to those who ask him!"

I don't know what worries tomorrow will bring. God tells me not to worry about tomorrow, for tomorrow will worry about itself and that each day has enough trouble for it's own. God also says he'll provide all our needs....our clothing, our food, our drink.  (Matthew 6:30-34)I feel as if I have nothing left to give, but God tells me that those who hope in Him "will renew their strength. They will soar on wings like eagles; they will run and not grow weary, they will walk and not be faint." (Isaiah 40:31)

The children and I are learning that when all is dark, lost, hopeless........when others mock you and turn from you because they scoff at your faith in God........when each day seems to heap more worries........when tears come more then laughter...........it's at these times that we praise God. It's these times we sing Him songs, we praise Him in our prayers, we shout to the world His blessings in our life.

It's pretty hard to hear Satan whispering deceit in your ear when you're singing praises to your Father whose love never fails.

This Christmas, God showed me that, like the Samaritan that stopped and cared for the injured and robbed man lying on the side of the road.....there are still men and women today that reach out to others they do not know. (Luke 10:25-37) God showed me that like the widow who offered only a mite, that people today will still give out of their necessity to help others in worse need. (Mark 12:41-44) God showed me that those hurting others are those far from Him and hurting themselves. He's reminded me to forgive seventy times seven. (Matthew 18:21-23) God has reminded me that even when someone is trying to harm me, or my children, that God can intend it for good and use it to reach others for Him. (Genesis 50:20)

This Christmas, God restored my faith in people and in mankind.

A Goodbye

To Him:

I realized today that I haven't really thought about you in quite some time. I've answered people's questions about you, told those who didn't know what happened. Yet, it's just relating facts. There is no pain associated with it anymore.

A while back someone explained to me that, after their wife left them, they just seemed to have an epiphany one day. They realized that they had an entire life, apart and separate, from the one they had shared with their wife. With that realization, they broke out of their box and started on a brand new journey. I've never seen them so happy before.

It didn't happen that way with me. There was no one day that boom, it didn't hurt anymore. As I've read over journal entries and blogs, I realize that my own heartache and pain has been gone quite some time. My heart aches for you and the choices you've made, just as my heart aches for others that are making bad life choices as well. My heart breaks when the children ask for you, or say that they miss you, but it breaks because of their pain. They don't ask about you often as they did before. They to have accepted that a door closed, and they are moving forward as well.

For some reason, Spring arriving seems to have stimulated us. With the warmer weather, we get to spend time outdoors as we've always enjoyed. We can hike, run, play.... "waste our day" as you would say. It's awesome. We have our lives back, totally and completely. As Spring has brought a renewing to the earth, it also brought a renewing to us. It's as if we are snakes, and we've slipped out of our old skin that no longer fit us, and have stepped forward to face the world in our new skin.

Life is good. We're happy. The dreams the children and I have had for years have finally started to come into place. We are stepping forward with the plans you had us put on hold, and have no doubts that we will succeed at all we set out to do.

Life is good today. Life will continue to be good. The sun still shines, my lungs still draw breath, a smile graces my face often. I'm even smiling now as I type this.

The children and I are growing and it's a beautiful experience.

I don't foresee that I'll have another reason to write to  you. I have no interest in doing so. Our lives no longer concern you, just as your life is separate and apart from ours. Although my soul already released it's own goodbye without my being aware, it's at this moment that I put it down immortalized.

It feels so good to say.......

GOODBYE.

Irony

Two of the last things my husband said before he skipped out on me was that I needed to lose "at least 10 pounds" and that he "needed another two weeks without the kids around".

On the 28th of December, I had a lumbar puncture (spinal tap) done to determine the cause of a severe headache I've had since October 31st. I ended up in the ER following the lumbar puncture and was admitted the next day. I spent the following week in the ER. Upon coming home, it was a week before I was anywhere close to well enough to have more then one of my children come spend the night with me (last night was that night). I still haven't worked my way back to having all three kids here full time yet, but I'm getting there. As a result of these health problems, the scales tell me that I've lost (pause while I go get on the scales) 10 pounds! I didn't really didn't think it was going to be exactly 10 pounds. Irony. I lost 10 pounds and spent 2 weeks without the kids.

Life Story Ending In Divorce

I attempted to write several times lately, but my own emotions were to overwhelming to put word to page. Seeing your own thoughts in print somehow makes things a bit more ...... permanent.

Although I won't go into details, our family unit is dissolving. My husband has abandoned myself and our children. It is very difficult for myself and our children. My youngest has consistently cried himself to sleep every night and is suffering severe separation anxiety. Our oldest alternates between severe frustration and intense crying. Our middle child...she puts up a brave front, but I catch her crying when she thinks no one can hear.

It's hard for me to accept this ending of our marriage. I had such high hopes that this time, his choices would be different.

You see, my husband is dealing with what, I believe, has become an all to familiar problem in America......avoidance of dealing with our own personal emotional issues. There seems to always be someone or something we can blame. As long as you can blame it on someone or something else, you don't have to "fix" anything.

Sometimes I think it would be easier if I didn't understand that this is what he is doing. If I didn't understand what he is going through, then I could get focus on anger, fury, and not feel so raw. You see, I've been where he is and I understand that place.

I experienced alot of negativity in my childhood. There was yelling, throwing things, criticizing, put downs, insults.....there was no real sense of safety and security but rather survival. I know that my parents love me and I know that the issues I dealt with as a child was a direct result of issues that stemmed from their own childhood. Yet, as a child....I didn't know this and the results weren't good. One thing I did know.....I would never let my own children grow up in a home like that.

I left home at 16. By then I'd been drinking and taking pills for 3 years. One night I didn't come home after work, and ended up losing my virginity to rape. Although I came home the next day, I couldn't bear to be there. I felt so......repulsive. I thought somehow I would taint my younger brothers with what had happened. So, I left for good.

The feelings from the rape I experienced were unbearable. They would surface at moments that weren't convenient (like when I was at work). I felt as if I couldn't catch my breath, as if I was suffocating. I wanted to use a brillo pad and clorox to clean my body.....to rub away all the areas he had touched.

Some teenagers may have appropriate ideas of how to handle a situation like this. Turn to a trusted friend, seek counseling, attend a rape support group. Some may have known that to move past something this traumatic, you first have to grieve and allow all the emotions that are attached to rape to flow through your body. I didn't know any of these things. All I knew....or thought I knew...was that the emotions were so strong, so overwhelming, so suffocating that to feel them would surely mean death, or worse.

So, I decided I wasn't going to feel them anymore. I was going to make them go away, somehow. Trying not to think about it didn't work, but I discovered that the times I drank I could think about the rape without feeling the emotions. In time it took more and more alcohol to achieve that effect. It was only a matter of time before my pill use increased as well. I had found the perfect escape. As long as I had pills and alcohol I could move through life and not have to feel anything.

I spent way to long like this. Moving from party to party and drug to drug. I figured out the best way to stay in drugs was to date a drug dealer......so I did. I moved in with him not long after. For years, I felt nothing at all except anger. Anger was easy....there is no emotional pain involved in anger.

Despite the negative aspects of childhood growing up, my parents had instilled in me the knowledge that my life could be as big as I could dream. They had also instilled in me a knowledge of the Bible. I never doubted God's existence......how can you deny the existence of someone you blame for all the wrongs in your life? Due to believing my life could be as big as my dreams and knowing that God was out there.......I decided one day that I wanted more out of life. I remember looking at a couple of friends and saying, "I want to get clean." I will forever be indebted to these people. Though I don't know what happened to them (though what I have heard wasn't positive), they saved my life those next several days. They made sure I stayed clean...even when I screamed and begged them to give me something to ease the suffering and agony of withdrawal.

I got clean May 1996. I started attending Narcotics Anonymous and was surprised to find that everyone in there were using drugs and alcohol for the same reason......to deaden emotions! The reasons behind varied....some had been abused as children, some suffered depression, some were in horrible marriages, some had low self esteem....the reasons were endless. But, the results were the same....no one wanted to "feel".

People wonder why NA is so important to a recovering addict. It isn't because of the allure of the drugs themselves. It's because for the first time in (insert number of years strung out), you begin to feel emotions. For me, it had been 6 years since I had started medicating my emotions. Even though I didn't realize I was doing it until I was 16 years old....I had learned how 3 years earlier then that. So, I here I was...I had not felt emotions for 6 years and the last emotions I was familiar with were those of a 13 year old child. That's where NA came in....those nights that I'd feel an emotion but had no clue what it was. The middle of the night phone calls because I'd laid in bed for hours trying to figure it out and couldn't. The fear that something was wrong with me cause I felt so "weird".

Although I thought that life had dealt me it's worst hand, I was to learn that this wasn't the case. The worst blow I have, to date, ever sustained was to hit me 8 months after I got clean. I was pregnant with my first child at the time and determined that I would do much better for my unborn child then I'd done for myself. Yet, the blow that I was to take....it rattled me so deeply, affected me to the core and made me re-evaluate all I'd ever stood for and believed....I wasn't prepared for that kind of emotion. Even a fully stable person who did not have a negative history was able to handle this blow without help. All I wanted was to get lost in the numbness and lack of emotion that drugs and alcohol would offer me. I sat for days on end....rocking back and forth, telling myself over and over "Your baby deserves better". I finally took myself to the hospital. I told them I was scared I was going to use and wanted to be admitted so that I could not harm my unborn child by putting drugs or alcohol into my system. I was admitted that night and found that sometimes the strength we think we lack is found in the weaknesses that we have.

I delivered a gorgeous nine and a half pound boy 5 months later. My world was filled with emotions that I'd never experienced. The first 4 weeks were bliss. After that,when his health issues became known, I was still so intent on being the best mother ever that I never considered drugs. I stayed focus on his care.

Then, another unexpected blow. The father of my child became violent. At one point in time I managed to get away, only to end up back in his clutches again (not by my wish). I spent 3 years in a hell worst then you can imagine. I learned first hand what mental abuse, physical abuse, sexual abuse, spiritual abuse, and emotional abuse was. I experienced things I had no idea that people could even consider, much less do. I discovered that the human body can endure the most cruel treatment and somehow still survive. I learned that I didn't need drugs or alcohol but instead could close off different parts of my brain. I could take the atrocities that were being afflicted on me and lock them away in a dark recess of my mind.

When I was finally able to get away with my 3 year old son and 3 month old daughter, I discovered a new kind of fear. That of having a stalker....someone always looking for you and tracking you down with only one goal....your demise. It got so that the local police department recognized my face and knew me by name. We were in court often and each time I required protection. I would drive an hour away from my home to get groceries....each time driving in a different direction and by a different route then the one I'd taken months before. I never went to the same place twice in the same month. Life was spent always looking over my shoulder and desperate for security.

I remember the day that I realized I was broken. One of my best friends brought it to my attention. I was "going through the motions" and it looked like I had all the right emotions and responses....but something wasn't right. She didn't think I really "felt" anything.....she thought I was just "faking it". She spoke specifically regarding my emotions towards my children. My first reaction was rage. Yet, I knew she meant me no harm.....why would she think that. I spent the night awake, thinking about what she said. I realized that I never really felt anything. I didn't allow myself to feel negative emotions, but somehow I'd blocked the positive emotions as well.

I was devastated. How could I not feel anything towards my children? I knew I loved them....had no doubts about it....so WHERE were my emotions? I thought about my own childhood and knew I had to do something. I made some calls and started attending the rape survivor support group in addition to the domestic violence support group I already went to. I also started one on one counseling.

And again I discovered something else new to me. I discovered that when you lock away emotions, whether within your own mind or with the aide of drugs and alcohol, that one day all those emotions will have to come out. Because I had not allowed myself to feel the emotions as they came.....I was now finding myself in a deluge of emotions as I tried to work through my emotions.

I remember one night when it all came to a head. I'd been going to therapy for a while. The therapist had assured me over and over again that no one, in the history of mankind, had ever died from their emotions. I was told that the emotions would, at some point, overcome me. It would mean that the therapy was working, that I was healing. You have to allow the scabs to be ripped off and all the infection and disease to bleed out, before you can begin to heal. She said I might think I was dying the emotions would feel so strong, but to cling to the knowledge that no single man had ever died from emotions. She told me to ride the emotions when they came.....let them flow through and wash over me....and cry till I could cry no more.

That night will forever be burned into my brain. I don't remember what I did that day. I remember that my children were in their rooms sleeping and that I was worried my tears and cries would wake them. I remember that I was standing in the open door way between the kitchen and living room when it hit. I gasped and grabbed hold of the doorway. I felt emotions start to surface, as I'd felt many times in the past, but when I tried to lock them away, the wouldn't subside. The agony, the heartache, the tears, the hopelessness, the despair.......they all hit and I melted to a puddle on the floor. I spent the entire night in that one spot.....crying out until I thought I could cry no more.....and then crying more. I was certain that I was going to die....that if others had felt this before they had died as well. Yet, I knew I wanted more for my children........and the therapist had said I HAD to go through this before I could heal and feel emotions for others. Most importantly, I knew that God existed and believed that when we could no longer go forward on our own, He would carry us through. He carried me through that night and into the dawn.

I stopped crying out just before the sun began to rise. I don't remember getting up and going to the shower....but I remember standing under the water and feeling..........empty. It wasn't a bad feeling.....it was just a new feeling. Somehow I felt like I was lighter, like I weighed less.

I wasn't automatically healed after that. It took lots of work, lots of therapy, and lots of support from my friends. Yet, we all prevailed. I did it for my children, and I know that this is one of the greatest gifts I could have ever given them. The only greater gift I can give my children is the knowledge of their heavenly Father, who will never abandon them.

Through the years, I've met many people who have also learned to block their emotions. Some learned to do so at a very young age. Others as they got older. Some discovered it as adults. Some use drugs, or alcohol. Others push the emotions into dark recesses of their minds. Some have admitted they do this. There are others who blame all the issues in their life on other people. There are some who look to justify it. I wonder if there are some that never realize it? Regardless of the ins and outs....each of these people are also doing something else.............they are hurting the people that truly love them. They are denying those people a return of love, and giving them nothing short of treachery and deceit instead. "Faking" emotions, no matter how good you do at it, is just that............. "faking". It's not real, and eventually the person you are interacting with in this way will discover your secret.

I discovered that my husband blocked his emotions in the first year of our marriage. He took an emotional blow that shocked him to the core. It caused him to have to re-evaluate all he'd ever thought or known. He struggled for three days........and then he disappeared. For weeks and weeks I heard nothing at all from him. A police officer confirmed on Day 4 of his missing that he was physically well and stated he had left by choice and with free will. He wiped out our bank account and closed it. He wouldn't answer messages, and I heard nothing at all from him.

I knew what he was doing.....hadn't I done the same thing? He couldn't stay at home and continue to block all those emotions. So he ran to somewhere he was "safe". He stayed gone long enough that he was able to bundle all those emotions back into the dark recesses of his mind. He then came back, went through all the motions, and convinced me he was sincere. I stayed deceived for months, believing that he had dealt with his blocked emotions and was now feeling them.

I'm not sure what it was that made me notice at first. I look back and see all the signs and reasons I should have known he hadn't dealt with them. I wanted so much to believe and I wanted so much to offer him the love and support that was so important throughout my own healing.

Trouble started a few months ago. He started to criticize, name call, insult, make fun of the children. Then, when they would cry, he would just stare at them with no emotions at all. He went from staring at them to yelling at them when they cried. When I attempted to discuss with him the damage the verbal abuse was doing to the children, he started attacking me verbally as well. Things got worse and worse.

Then, it progressed to the point where I begin to fear for the children's physical safety. His rages were growing in intensity, the verbal abuse had escalated to a point that was fearful. He told me that he was scared he was going to hurt the children and thought it was best if he stayed with a friend a few nights. That was at the beginning of the week. On Thursday we sent the children to stay overnight with someone so that we could attend our family therapy session just the two of us. He sat down and revealed all that had been going on to our family counselor. The counselor broke through the surface, and He had a major breakthrough and insight into what was going on within himself. It was difficult for him, and I understood more then I think he realized.

That evening was the best part of our entire relationship. We spoke for hours and for the first time I saw the man I'd only seen glimpses of before. The man I believed I could make a life with. We discussed the steps that we would take together to get through this, we talked about our future, our dreams, our plans. Together, with God, we'd get through this and everything was going to be OK.

We'd stayed so close that night, throughout the next day, and the next night while he sat beside me in the ER (another story). We curled into bed at 2:30 am after coming back from the ER, and he rubbed my hair to help me feel better. We had spent over 24 hours talking, planning, believing, dreaming. The last thing I remember him saying before I feel asleep in his arms was him telling me everything was going to be OK.

Then, he decided to run away. I don't know what happened Saturday morning. He said he was taking the van to get it aligned, pick up the medication the hospital had given me, and then be home to get me. He left at 7:30am. I saw him again around 2:30pm. Those hours are still mostly unaccounted for. I know he picked up someone he works with, I know that he went and purchased illegal drugs and then sat behind a large store and used them. I know that his buddy was also drinking alcohol but don't know if he was. I know that spent 1/4 of our mortgage that morning. At about 3:30pm, we were on our way to pick up our children and spend time with them. It was Saturday and I hadn't seen them since Thursday! On our way there, He stepped out of the van, while we were traveling aprx 50 mph. In the panic of all that happened after, I didn't realize what had happened. I thought it was an accident somehow, I didn't know. Yet, after speaking with the officer that responded and the medical professionals that saw him, if it had been accidental he would have fell out of the vehicle. Instead, he was standing and attempting to take a step when his feet touched the ground. He asked over and over again, "What did I do?"

He suffered a fractured skull and an epidural hematoma. As the bleed begin to put pressure on his brain, he lost his memories and went into a 15 second loop, every 15 seconds he'd forget everything. I sat by his side the entire hospital stay. I left only to go get him something from the cafeteria, and twice to smoke (something I didn't do before). I brought him home and still the children stayed elsewhere as his head injury required silence. As he begin to feel better, he was again the person that I saw in the days prior to his head injury. We talked alot, dreamed of how much better our future was going to be. He professed his love to me, and how this injury made him realize how important the children and I were to him. He said everything would be OK.

His head injury happened November 5th. On the 17th he told me he missed our children and would I please bring them home.We'd hardly seen them since his injury and they had spent maybe 2 nights at home. We spent a wonderful evening together. He cuddled with them, held them and told them how much he had missed them. He told them he never wanted to ever spend that much time apart. They all made funny pictures using the webcam and candy corn! They talked about all the cool and fun things they were going to do as soon as he was better. Life was unbelievably good.

The older two children went to a sleepover the next night. During the night, our youngest ended up with a high 103-104 fever. He was miserable and didn't sleep well. That morning, I got him dressed so that I could pick up his siblings and take him to the doctor. With his sensory issues, shoes are always a struggle for him and often cause him physical pain. His fever only intensified his sensitivity, so finally I told him it was OK. He didn't have to wear shoes and I would carry him. I left him sitting on the floor beside his shoes and went to get dressed. I'd only had enough time to throw some jeans on when I heard him scream and come crying to me. He had attempted to put his shoes on. When our youngest started kicking his feet and crying, "Hurt hurt hurt", He yanked the shoe off our child's foot, twisting his ankle, and then threw the shoe across the room. I learned later, when He told a doc, that as our child ran, he threw the other shoe at him "but missed". I was horrified. I didn't know what to to do. He started telling me his brain was "swelling" and that was why he'd gone into such a rage. He said he needed to go to the doctor immediately. I told him to get dressed and I'd take him to the doctor when I took our son.

The entire car ride, he said over and over his "brain was swelling". He talked without making sense and the children were frightened. I dropped the older two off at an event they had planned, and took the other two to the doctors office. The doctors became concerned when He talked about how he should just go off somewhere and kill himself because all he did was hurt people. They pulled me in the hall and said that they were not equipped to handle this situation, and they wanted me to get him to the Emergency Room. I had someone meet us there to get the children. The ER confirmed that his brain was healing and was not "swelling". When the doctor asked him if he felt like hurting himself "at this moment" he replied, "Well no. I'm in the hospital." Although He had requested that he have his emotional outburst discussed with a medical professional, and said that he was scared he was going to hurt our children, the hospital did not send in a psych to speak with him. Instead, they told him to stay away from the children and to schedule an appointment with the local psychiatric office on Monday. They told him to explain he'd been in the ER and that he could most likely be seen quickly.

Within 5 minutes of leaving the ER, He asked me, "So, my brain isn't swelling?" and I replied "No." He got quite for quite some time and then told me, "I know what happened. I know why I hurt him."  I asked him "why" and he replied "mind control". He spent the rest of our 45 minute drive telling me that I was "mind controlling" him and making him do bad things. He told me that I was stealing his money as well. I called my friends who were babysitting at our home and let them hear the things he was saying, so they would know what was going on before I arrived. When he started saying, "I gotta get away from her" repeatedly, one of those friends offered to take him to the house he'd stayed at before his head injury. He promised to check in twice a day, morning and evening with one of us. He disappeared at 10am the next morning (Sunday). No one heard from him until Tuesday evening when he called me at 6:30pm. He demanded that I send the children to spend the night with their grandparents (which was not an option) and that I come get him and bring him home. He said that he couldn't sleep except in his bed, and that I was going to take him to his doctors appointment in the morning. The entire time he was yelling at me and angry. I tried to explain to him that there was no one I could leave the kids with that night, but he just got more angry. His cousin said he could come stay with her so I made arrangements to drop him off with her. My youngest two children went with me to pick him up, the oldest was home sick. He got in the van and when the children tried to show him affection, he pulled away from them. They tried to talk to them, but he told them, "My head hurts to bad to hear kids' mouths".

I stopped just down the road to grab the kids something to drink. When I came back out our daughter was crying and our son was curled up in his car seat, nonverbal. No one would tell me what was said. I later found out that he'd said to them, "I bet you love it now that Daddy is gone. You get to do whatever you want, there is no one to make you listen and you can just be hateful brats and rule the roost." Our daughter asked me what "rule the roost" meant. *sigh He then started dancing in the front seat and your youngest asked, "Daddy, what are you doing?" and he replied, "I'm doing the dance you do now that Daddy's gone. The I can do whatever I want dance."

When I got back in the car and continued on to meet his cousin, he went on and on about how the children and I have never loved him. We were using him. He said if I'd loved him I'd have stayed with him at the hospital instead of running to my children (I didn't see my children the entire time he was hospitalized). He said the kids hated him and he "knew it". That none of us had ever loved him. I begged him not to talk like that in front of the kids and his reply was to turn around, face the children and yell, "Why not? It's true ain't it? You both hate me and your brother does to? Don't you? Don't you? See, that's what I mean, you won't even answer me, you just ignore me." I had thought the ride to the hospital when he was injured was the longest drive ever, but I'm pretty sure this one runs close seconds.

I dropped him off with his cousin. Since then, he's refused communication with me unless he wants something. He came yesterday to pick up two of our vehicles and when our youngest ran and hugged him, he just stared at him....no emotion. When I asked him, before he left, to tell the children bye, he yelled very very loudly, "No, I'm not telling those kids anything!" and he left. He has told me he wants separation papers done immediately and he's 100% sure he wants a divorce. He says that it's because the children don't listen to him and he does not have the rule of our household. He said they are the "worst" children he's ever seen and that I use them as a "crutch" so that I don't have to be a "good mother".

I thought at first all this was due to his head injury. But over and over again I saw the similarities to a year ago when he abandoned us. How he then also, wanted no communication at all. How he then also left us with no financial support and took no responsibility for anything. How he wanted his own life, devoid of us.

So, although I understand that he's running, not from the children or myself, but from his own emotions....it doesn't make it any easier for the children and myself. For the first time I realize how I hurt those that loved me when I was running from my own emotions. I am blessed that they loved me unconditionally and were there for me after I dealt with those issues. I remember how I ran to those who wouldn't force me to deal with any responsibility, but would help me escape it all. NA has a word for people who do this....they are called "enablers". I surrounded myself with enablers, as he is doing now.

I can't do anything to change the path my husband is on. His path is one of a self destruction that won't be seen by most he surrounds himself with. It's a self destruction that will slowly eat at him. Some people go through their entire lives and never face the issues he is facing. Some only realize all they ran from when they are facing death. Those people are alone in a way that others won't ever know. I was fortunate. I had people who prayed for me and never stopped praying. They believed that God could help me. Their faith and their prayers put me in a situation where I had to face and confront my blocked emotions. Therefore, I'll continue to pray for my husband. I understand where he is and though I don't agree with his choice to run, I can't say I did any better many years ago. I ran for a long time, in various ways. It wasn't until 11 years ago that I finally dealt with the fact that I had blocked emotions. I pray that he knows God will carry him through, just as he's done everyone else that has had to go through this. I pray that he knows the people who truly love him unconditional will support him through that healing, and not look to their own self interest. I pray that he knows that a beautiful paradise awaits on the other side, if only he'll take the step to get there.

He told me here, the last time I spoke with him, that he was ending our marriage because he doubted himself....he doubted he could do what it would take to save our family. I told him that I believed and did not doubt, because it is in God's strength and not our own that we make it through the hard stuff. I hope he'll remember that.