A Kiss Can Tell.........

You know that kiss you gave me just before leaving today? Yeah, the one that completely blew my mind? The one that left me shaking, unable to compose myself? The one unlike any I have ever had before? You know that kiss that left me stunned?

That would be the same kiss that you sank all that emotion, passion, energy and raw primal-ness into.

You do know which kiss I'm talking about, right??

Good, now that you know................................


FUCK YOU FUCK YOU FUCK YOU FUCK YOU FUCK YOU FUCK YOU FUCK YOU
FUCK YOU FUCK YOU FUCK YOU FUCK YOU FUCK YOU FUCK YOU FUCK YOU
FUCK YOU FUCK YOU FUCK YOU FUCK YOU FUCK YOU FUCK YOU FUCK YOU
FUCK YOU FUCK YOU FUCK YOU FUCK YOU FUCK YOU FUCK YOU FUCK YOU
FUCK YOU FUCK YOU FUCK YOU FUCK YOU FUCK YOU FUCK YOU FUCK YOU

Yes, that's right. I am soooo angry and SO DONE. What the hell gives YOU the right to attempt to manipulate MY emotions? What gives you the right to betray my trust, and then try to defend and justify why it was OK? What gives you the right to act like you couldn't care one way or the other when I tell you that, due to your betraying my trust that I can no longer see you as anything more than acquaintances? What gives you the right to be so damn cold and distant and to make decisions and choices that affect not only me, but those little ones closest and dearest to me negatively? What gives you the right to completely impale me with your depth of emotion at the very beginning only to jerk it all away from me and choose lead me to believe it was only manipulation for you to get what you wanted? What gives you the right to let me spend two weeks believing that you don't give a shit at all after getting what you wanted? What gives you the right to show such blatant disregard for my feelings, go out of your way to convince me you don't care at all AND THEN LAY THAT DAMN KISS ON ME??

Let me explain something to you, since in the year of knowing me you obviously missed it.

I do NOT play games.

I am ONLY monogamous in my relationships and nothing you say or do will change that.

I will be damned if you will manipulate my emotions.

I will NEVER stand by while you push me to believe that you do not care at all (just so that you can go fuck whoever you want, whenever you want) and then when I am done and walk away, throw me crumbs out to bring me back.

That kiss........ CRUMBS.

Screw that. I told you from day one, I don't play second fiddle. I'm either the ONLY female you are catering to and focusing on a relationship with, or I'm out of the picture.

You will not treat me the way that you have and then throw a kiss towards me to show me that you really do care and don't want me to leave.

MANIPULATE....................... GAMES..............................CRUMBS.....................SECOND FIDDLE...............POLY.........................FUCK YOU.

Yeah, I'm pissed.

Yeah, it will most likely linger a while.

Yeah, I'm moving forward, dating whoever the hell I choose, and not touching you again.

Fuck you. You have no right to manipulate other's emotions. You have no right to keep me at arms lengths and then try to pull me back in when I choose to walk away because I DESERVE BETTER.

Stick with your drama queens that use you when they need something, that threaten you when they don't get their way, and that give you mediocre sex at best where you have to be constrained and hold back all that you truly enjoy. Stick with the ones that can give you that crazy psycho attention you want. The ones that you can keep at arms length and drag back in when they start to leave with manipulation. Stick with them and remember, I am not them. I never will be. Games are for children. NOT ME.

Today is THAT day

Today is the day that I realize I can no longer believe in a higher power.

Today is the day that I realize if a higher power exists, then it is a mean, horrible being that revels in the misery of people.

Today is the day that I realize I do not believe in Kharma because I can think of nothing I, or my children, could have done in a past life to warrant this type of ongoing persecution.

Today is the day I admit that if the story of Job is true, then God is a horror. Because if my children were taken from me, nothing would make up for that loss.

Today is the day that I realize I do not believe in generational curses because believing in them would mean that my ancestors were some evil fucks and that someone/something else was cruel enough to make us responsible for paying for their acts.

Today is the day that my child told me he wants to know why God hates him.

Today is the day that my other child asked me Why and I had no answers to give.

Today is the day that our family is shattered because one more weight to carry was one too many.

Today is the day that, even though we all know we'll live through this because we've lived through hell before, we realize that we no longer care that we'll live through it. Because surviving hell repeatedly is not good enough anymore.

Today is the day that no amount of distractions can lift the burden off of us.

Today is  the day that, with everything else, my most recent insecure ex-boyfriend decides he wants to add to our turmoil with more threats and harassment, simply because he knows that taking shots at us today is kicking us when we're already down and somehow he finds enjoyment in such.

Today is the day when I just want to be DONE.

So completely done.

I'm just going to become a hermit hippie chick and have hermit hippie children and say to hell with everything, everybody and life in general.

And if there is a higher power that is responsible for what you've put my children through, Fuck you!

And should that higher power be God, I'm done believing and doing all I can to please you when all you do is keep heaping hurt upon insult in our lives. Believing in you has gained nothing but cost much.

Digging this hole, alone....busting through hard clay rocks with only the help of children...... it somehow solidifies exactly where my family is in this world.....

ALONE

We have each other, the kids and I. And from now on that is ALL I'm believing in.