Because I was the 8 year old little girl that wrapped the blankets all around me like a mummy, even tucking them under my feet and laid absolutely, perfectly still hoping if I wasn't heard I would be forgotten.
Because when those that loved me found out, they covered it up and did nothing about it.
Because even now they won't tell me who.
Because throughout all my years growing up I was taught that I never did anything right, I was never good enough, I should have been born a boy, and that nothing I did would ever be enough.
Because now, all these years later, they still feel the same way about me.
Because even after being molested as a child, I didn't get to willingly have sex the first time. My virginity was snatched away by a man named Stan, who only laughed at me when I sat crying and cleaning up the blood after.
Because he beat me AFTER I gave birth to his child, but never in any of the years we were together before.
Because he beat and raped me day after day after day while continously screaming that he loved me more than anyone else would.
Because he taught me that I never did anything right, I was never good enough, no one would ever love me apart from him, and that nothing I did would ever be enough.
Because after leaving him, I couldn't look into myself and see anything worthy or beautiful.
Because years later, when I had a third child with another man, he began to attack me physically. Never before our child, only after.
Because he still torments and threatens me, despite my having removed myself from his life a decade ago.
Because when I finally found someone I thought loved me, I married him, only to discover the night of my wedding that he truly did not love me but only wanted me to help him financially.
Because knowing that, I stayed hoping that he would learn to love me, and being devastated when he walked out after he got all that he wanted financially.
Because I waited all these years to tell someone all these things.
Because I waited all these years to tell someone many of my fears, my insecurities, my heartache, my pain.
Because I waited all these years to let someone in past all the barricades and the walls.
Because waited all these years for someone that understood. Someone that didn't think bad of me for those things.
Because I waited all these years for someone that didn't think less of me.
Because waited all these years for someone that wanted to know all of it and think that I was good enough.
Because I waited all these years for someone that would not betray me.
Because I waited all these years for someone that would not lie to me.
Because I waited all these years for someone that would not leave me.
No comments:
Post a Comment