How is it this can be the case......
I trust a particular person in all areas of the bedroom. I will let him choke me, pound himself deep into me with such strength that I have to lie with an ice pack between my legs afterward, and do pretty much anything he so desires to me if its' sexual related.
However, I can NOT trust him to be honest with me.
I can NOT trust him not to do hurtful things to myself or my children.
I can NOT trust him to be honest with others about my children or I.
I can NOT trust him not to take money from me.
I can NOT trust him not to take my son's, or my own, prescribed medications.
I can NOT trust him to keep what I confided in him confidential (even though I've told no one the dark, deep secrets he's told me).
I can NOT trust him to be in my life.
So, how can I trust him sexually when I trust NO ONE else?
How does this make sense at all?
Showing posts with label distrust. Show all posts
Showing posts with label distrust. Show all posts
Thursday, April 17, 2014
Thursday, April 10, 2014
Why I Trust... NO ONE
Because I was the 8 year old little girl that wrapped the blankets all around me like a mummy, even tucking them under my feet and laid absolutely, perfectly still hoping if I wasn't heard I would be forgotten.
Because when those that loved me found out, they covered it up and did nothing about it.
Because even now they won't tell me who.
Because throughout all my years growing up I was taught that I never did anything right, I was never good enough, I should have been born a boy, and that nothing I did would ever be enough.
Because now, all these years later, they still feel the same way about me.
Because even after being molested as a child, I didn't get to willingly have sex the first time. My virginity was snatched away by a man named Stan, who only laughed at me when I sat crying and cleaning up the blood after.
Because he beat me AFTER I gave birth to his child, but never in any of the years we were together before.
Because he beat and raped me day after day after day while continously screaming that he loved me more than anyone else would.
Because he taught me that I never did anything right, I was never good enough, no one would ever love me apart from him, and that nothing I did would ever be enough.
Because after leaving him, I couldn't look into myself and see anything worthy or beautiful.
Because years later, when I had a third child with another man, he began to attack me physically. Never before our child, only after.
Because he still torments and threatens me, despite my having removed myself from his life a decade ago.
Because when I finally found someone I thought loved me, I married him, only to discover the night of my wedding that he truly did not love me but only wanted me to help him financially.
Because knowing that, I stayed hoping that he would learn to love me, and being devastated when he walked out after he got all that he wanted financially.
Because I waited all these years to tell someone all these things.
Because I waited all these years to tell someone many of my fears, my insecurities, my heartache, my pain.
Because I waited all these years to let someone in past all the barricades and the walls.
Because waited all these years for someone that understood. Someone that didn't think bad of me for those things.
Because I waited all these years for someone that didn't think less of me.
Because waited all these years for someone that wanted to know all of it and think that I was good enough.
Because I waited all these years for someone that would not betray me.
Because I waited all these years for someone that would not lie to me.
Because I waited all these years for someone that would not leave me.
Because when those that loved me found out, they covered it up and did nothing about it.
Because even now they won't tell me who.
Because throughout all my years growing up I was taught that I never did anything right, I was never good enough, I should have been born a boy, and that nothing I did would ever be enough.
Because now, all these years later, they still feel the same way about me.
Because even after being molested as a child, I didn't get to willingly have sex the first time. My virginity was snatched away by a man named Stan, who only laughed at me when I sat crying and cleaning up the blood after.
Because he beat me AFTER I gave birth to his child, but never in any of the years we were together before.
Because he beat and raped me day after day after day while continously screaming that he loved me more than anyone else would.
Because he taught me that I never did anything right, I was never good enough, no one would ever love me apart from him, and that nothing I did would ever be enough.
Because after leaving him, I couldn't look into myself and see anything worthy or beautiful.
Because years later, when I had a third child with another man, he began to attack me physically. Never before our child, only after.
Because he still torments and threatens me, despite my having removed myself from his life a decade ago.
Because when I finally found someone I thought loved me, I married him, only to discover the night of my wedding that he truly did not love me but only wanted me to help him financially.
Because knowing that, I stayed hoping that he would learn to love me, and being devastated when he walked out after he got all that he wanted financially.
Because I waited all these years to tell someone all these things.
Because I waited all these years to tell someone many of my fears, my insecurities, my heartache, my pain.
Because I waited all these years to let someone in past all the barricades and the walls.
Because waited all these years for someone that understood. Someone that didn't think bad of me for those things.
Because I waited all these years for someone that didn't think less of me.
Because waited all these years for someone that wanted to know all of it and think that I was good enough.
Because I waited all these years for someone that would not betray me.
Because I waited all these years for someone that would not lie to me.
Because I waited all these years for someone that would not leave me.
Monday, April 7, 2014
A few days ago
I sent Him a message (the one I'd dated on and off, the one that wants me back, the one that introduced me to my inner freak). I explained to him that I could not, in good conscious, keep the cell phone he had given me to use because I was trying to make things work with my recent ex. (To put it in perspective, the guy I was trying to make it work with said I should keep the phone and ride it out as long as possible and just not tell the other guy about "us").
He replied that I needed to keep it. That I needed it. That, if all else, to at least keep it 30 days until my financial situation improved.
A man that has told me he cares about me. A man that has said he wants me back. A man that has told me that my happiness is most important, even if it is found with someone else.
Yet, he wants me to keep the phone even when I'm pursuing the relationship I've been in the last 9 months.
Part of me wants to say..... "Damn, what a MAN!"
The other part of me realizes that for 9 months I"ve thought that often about the man I was dating.......and now it seems the majority of it was merely manipulation. That he'd go to no end to do what he knew would work to get his way, even if it was out of character for him.
I don't trust my own judgments or decisions.
AT ALL.
Not when it comes to relationships, men, or dating.
He replied that I needed to keep it. That I needed it. That, if all else, to at least keep it 30 days until my financial situation improved.
A man that has told me he cares about me. A man that has said he wants me back. A man that has told me that my happiness is most important, even if it is found with someone else.
Yet, he wants me to keep the phone even when I'm pursuing the relationship I've been in the last 9 months.
Part of me wants to say..... "Damn, what a MAN!"
The other part of me realizes that for 9 months I"ve thought that often about the man I was dating.......and now it seems the majority of it was merely manipulation. That he'd go to no end to do what he knew would work to get his way, even if it was out of character for him.
I don't trust my own judgments or decisions.
AT ALL.
Not when it comes to relationships, men, or dating.
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