Goodbye Sex

I could call this post a thousand different things.......

"Fear will Destroy You"

"Shortest Relationship EVER"

"Never Date Your Friends"

I could go on and on.

Do you have "goodbye sex"? Sex that comes after you've made the decision not to be with the person, yet both desiring that "one last time" merely because it is so delectably good? Sex that you have because you know it could be YEARS before you can find someone willing to please the masochist that resides within you? Sex that you have because saying goodbye isn't easy, even in the beginning? Sex that you have because the lingering tenderness and soreness will remind you of it in a bittersweet way?

#sigh

This has, most assuredly, been a whirlwind. After over a year of friendship, we experienced a profound meeting of the minds. Our energy flow was breathtaking and I shall never have the ability to express it in spoken words. There are some things you can only know through experience.

Yet, for me, the timing was horrible. Struggling with demons that rose from the past, I wasn't in a place to fully appreciate the intensity of the connection without getting angry. How dare he open me up so fully when I'd spent so long putting my walls into place! Of course, hindsight is 20/20 and I am fully indebted and grateful to him for forcibly releasing me from the bonds I had put in place. Even now, as he creeps towards me in his sleep, having to touch, closer and closer, I am grateful.

By the point I was able to let go of the torment my demons from the past had caused, he had realized the extent to which he had opened up with me. He allowed fear to seep in and saturate all his being. He drew back as if burned, fearful of the "what ifs". He has been deeply hurt before. He was terrified of how many times he'd looked at me in bewilderment and ask, "How did you know that?" He could not bear the thought of someone seeing the parts of him that I saw, as he had already convinced himself that those parts of him would always be a source of disappointment to others. Although he initially showed me those things willingly, in a long held desire to have just one person accept all of him, my acceptance of him was not what he truly expected. He had hoped so long, only to be disappointment, that the fulfillment of long held desires sent him into a whirlwind of doubts, fears, and emotions he had long sinced locked away.

As a result, rather than face his fear and conquer, the warrior within him withered. Fear grew strong and overwhelmed that inner warrior. He grabbed hold of all that was truly him and pulled it deep down inside. Deeper than anytime in the last year that I've known him. Deep enough, he hoped, that I could not tap it. His walls, his "control" as he perceives it, are in place for a reason.

Yet, binding yourself tightly in fear is not control. It is, without a doubt, a slow suffocation that through time sucks the very life out of you.

His walls firmly in place, his emotions once again tightly bound, his energy flow pulled into a single shining orb within him..... he stands separate and apart. Only in his sleep does his walls fall down. In his sleep he will whisper sweet nothings.In his sleep, if I attempt to even move slightly, he clings to me as if I am his life preserver and he will drown without me. In his sleep he must constantly be touching me, wrapped around me. In his sleep, should I move away, he will quickly entwine himself around me until content, he offers a sigh with the hints of a smile. In his sleep he pulls me to him and pleads, "Don't leave me".

Yet, I can not stay.

I can not save him.

He is not open to what joys and gifts lie in his path, through me or others, and therefore the effort would be wasted. I've learned this lesson clearly in life. Only when the person longs to be set free from their fear, will they. I can do nothing to change that.

Although he feels that I have made the choice, it is indeed he that has decided for me. He has chosen to cling to his fear, to let his fear rule him. He has chosen to, not only leave his walls in place, but to build new barriers and to push me away. He has blocked his energy flow completely and shunned all empathy. He has restricted even our friendship, which I have cherished for over a year now. He has made his choice.

With that, I say goodbye.