Learning to Play Again

Through all of 2017, I had sex a total of three times.

That's a record. I started having sex at 16 and never looked back.

I'm 42, and I had sex a total of three times last year.

At first it started because I was knocked out of my comfort zone. You see, for several years I had a Dom. It was an unique arrangement that worked for us. He didn't want a committed long term relationship yet offered me more than I could have ever imagined. He helped me work through deeply entrenched PTSD issues from sexual assaults and gave me my first orgasms. He encouraged me to continue looking for my "forever" partner. When I would cross paths with someone I thought might be "the one", my Dom and I would part ways. We wouldn't communicate in any way as I pursued the path before me. If things didn't work out (to date they haven't), I'd contact him again. Most of those times we picked up where we'd left off with the understanding that when we were with each other, we were only with each other. No other play partners unless we were together and brought someone else in. If one of us wanted to pursue something else with another, we'd part ways and each would respect the others choice. It worked great for us.

He was my constant. The one person I could always rely and depend on to stay consistently the same.

Then, during the very end of 2017, things changed. He seemingly forgot that I couldn't be slapped in the face and did so on three different occasions. He started venturing into more submissive actions during sex. They weren't typically things I was opposed to but they were so different then the five years of consistency I'd come to know and rely on. I was at a point in life where I was overwhelmed with responsibility and craved the comfort of knowing exactly what to expect with him.

One night, the beginning of 2018, after we'd had a couple glasses of wine too many, he started speaking of his other two women. "On rotation" was how he referred to the three of us. He had us on rotation. When I asked more questions, he gave me answers that dumbfounded me. The first year he and I were together, it was just us as agreed upon. However, the last four years he'd had both of them. Not just during the times he and I were apart, but while we were together.

I was blown away. I had never suspected. During our times apart, we both knew that the other was with someone. Yet, during our times together, I thought it was just us. We were supposed to be completely open with each other. There was at least one time he told me he couldn't talk to me when I re-appeared because he was in a relationship. How could there have been two ongoing women that I knew nothing about. We had, what I thought, was an iron clad agreement that gave us all the freedom we would need. If he'd wanted to have women "on rotation", it wasn't something he had to hide from me for years. It just wasn't in the original agreement but that agreement was always known to be flexible.

If he hid both of them for years, what else has he hid? What do I not know?

These were issues I was already struggling with. I had trusted someone else completely and discovered that nothing had been what I thought. So I'd turned to my Dom as a reminder that there are honest people and to restore my faith in humanity. Instead, four months into it I discovered there were things I didn't know.

So, I pulled away from him. I needed to breath and find my faith in humanity without another human being helping me there.

I went months without seeing him. During that time, I had sex once with one other person. It was more than I could have predicted, totally unexpected, and quite nice. Yet, that person withdrew afterward in what, as best I understood, was a fear he may become emotionally attached and needed to work through some baggage before he could entertain that idea (which I've mad respect for).

Outside of that I remained on my own. I had several people pursue me, but I just needed more time to breath.

I visited my Dom again in June. I was super excited. I'd accepted that he'd deceived me, grieved the loss of what almost felt like innocence, and decided that the pros were still worth the cons.

Yet, everything was different. Although there had been times we both had a couple of glasses too many and ended up with a slight head buzz, this time he became drunk. I had always relied on him to refill my glass and never paid attention to how much I drank as he always withdrew it at what he felt was the right time. The slight head buzz was always the maximum limit. It wasn't until the movie went off that I realized I'd drank way more than I ever would normally. Then, I realized he had as well. Why were we both drunk?

Then, he wanted to visit the neighbors and introduce them to me. We'd always been just us. I never introduced him into my life, he never introduced me into his. We always knew about each others lives, but never did those lines cross. Confused, I went with him to the neighbors. He talked to them about me as if he and I were a long term, established, serious relationship. Expectations seemed to be laid down around me, and I was struggling to make sense of it all. Upon returning back to his place, I witnessed a seeming transformation that I'd never anticipated.

HE

WAS

SUBMISSIVE

It was nothing direct. Just a tilt of the head, a lowered gaze, a timid smile, a long pause.

I can't put into words the fire that lit inside of me and spread through my body. It had been so long since I'd dominated anyone. I instantly felt the slickness between my thighs. My mouth practically watered.

I
DEVOURED
HIM

In my still drunken haze, I incorporated things I'd learned from him into my complete domination of him. Things I'd never expected to do to him flew through my mind faster than I could react. His flesh between my biting teeth. My hand around his throat. My fingers twisting in his hair as I pulled his head back. The pictures falling off the wall as I slammed him into the door. I hadn't realized that I missed releasing my dominant side so much until that night.

Then, instantly, we both froze. I'm not sure what exactly happened that triggered it but it was as if suddenly we were both aware that there had been a complete roll reversal. I was shaking, he was shaking. Both of us quivering, drenched in sweat and suddenly uncomfortable.

"Hey, you're using my moves! Those are my moves!"

I just stared at his lips as he spoke those words. Suddenly sober and wondering what the hell was happening.

"Well, I never doubted that you were a good teacher," I replied. I TOLD him I was going to the fridge to get something to drink, still fully encompassed by my dominant nature yet frantically willing my body and mind to return to his being the Dom I'd come to rely on for years.

We ceased all activity at this point. We both conceded it was late and we curled up in bed to sleep. Yet, our normal sleep positions were uncomfortable. My body was still humming to the tune of dominance and a submissive sleep position was like a short circuit in my body. I simply couldn't transition that fast. We both laid there, unable to sleep.

I've not been back since.

That was June.

I haven't been with anyone since then. I recently finally got up the courage to go on a date and followed it with a second date. Yet, he wanted to kiss me. That kiss was a trigger that literally halted my interest in this new man instantly. We'd been talking for weeks. Both our dates were fun. He appears responsible, a great father, stable, incredibly fit. Why would my interest just switch off?

The lovely ginger that I'd spent one night with earlier in the year resurfaced. He wanted to revisit what we'd started. Yet, while the thought of this excites me, I also feel almost a panic at the thought.

That panic is present anytime I consider meeting someone new or revisiting someone from before.

I want to play. I want to feel my body respond to someone else's touch. I have plenty of options.

Yet, I feel nervous. I feel anxious. I almost feel scared.

I'm not sure what it is. Is it because I don't trust my own judgments anymore when it comes to those I share my body with? Is it because I don't believe that I know what to expect or what will come? Is it because I no longer trust anyone?

I am looking at the playgrounds before me. So many are inviting. So many will be a wonderful experience.

Why can't I chose one to play on?

I want to bypass the anxiety and learn to play again.