I Trust You, Please Hurt Me

I have always had restrictions on what could, and could not, be done to my body. Restrictions to ensure that I was always in full control. Restrictions to ensure I never experienced a flashback from prior trauma.

I kept the same type of restrictions on my heart. Restrictions in place to always ensure I never cared too much, never trusted too much. Restrictions that kept me from ever being hurt too much.

Yet, I trust him with every fiber of my being. I’ve said I trusted people before but I realize now I had no idea what trust was. None.

Trust is when you realize that in your heart of hearts, you don’t view your body as your own anymore but instead as his.

Trust is when you realize that everything he says you believe completely even when the sum of your life experiences tells you it simply any be true.

Trust is not wondering what he is doing when he isn’t with you.

Trust is being able to push away the fears and keep moving forward.

Trust is loving him completely without hesitation and without holding back.

Trust is realizing that none of the restrictions you held on your body and heart apply anymore.

Trust is asking him to bite you, to choke you, to claw you......... without holding back.

Trust is looking deep into his eyes and telling him, without a doubt, “I want you to hurt me because I trust you.”

My Deepest Freak

My reply to a message from someone I’d been talking to for a while who, after a few drinks, offered up the question, “What do you want me to do to you,” followed by a string of specific questions:

So, for me to tap into my innermost freak, it is based on the relationship I’ve developed with the person. There are, most assuredly, various levels of trust. A person I would be comfortable letting smack my ass may not be a person I’d be comfortable allowing to choke me.

I am at a place in life where I want to take the time to build the type of relationship where I can trust on the deepest of levels. The type d relationship where Id try things I’d typically say no to just because of the level of trust.

I am so over mediocrity and average on all levels. Intellectually, motivation, aspirations, sexually.... I want to find a multifaceted person that is open to building trust and whose very lifestyle inspires me.

Yet, also one that is totally cool with letting me live my own life, raise my own children, and be separate and apart from interacting with that.

I want to develop a relationship with that type of person where I’d sale my soul if they asked.

For that person, it wouldn’t be necessarily about specific acts I would or would not want. There would be very few hard limits, no viable safe word, and merely a connection of spirits where every intimate act flowed between us.

Learning to Play Again

Through all of 2017, I had sex a total of three times.

That's a record. I started having sex at 16 and never looked back.

I'm 42, and I had sex a total of three times last year.

At first it started because I was knocked out of my comfort zone. You see, for several years I had a Dom. It was an unique arrangement that worked for us. He didn't want a committed long term relationship yet offered me more than I could have ever imagined. He helped me work through deeply entrenched PTSD issues from sexual assaults and gave me my first orgasms. He encouraged me to continue looking for my "forever" partner. When I would cross paths with someone I thought might be "the one", my Dom and I would part ways. We wouldn't communicate in any way as I pursued the path before me. If things didn't work out (to date they haven't), I'd contact him again. Most of those times we picked up where we'd left off with the understanding that when we were with each other, we were only with each other. No other play partners unless we were together and brought someone else in. If one of us wanted to pursue something else with another, we'd part ways and each would respect the others choice. It worked great for us.

He was my constant. The one person I could always rely and depend on to stay consistently the same.

Then, during the very end of 2017, things changed. He seemingly forgot that I couldn't be slapped in the face and did so on three different occasions. He started venturing into more submissive actions during sex. They weren't typically things I was opposed to but they were so different then the five years of consistency I'd come to know and rely on. I was at a point in life where I was overwhelmed with responsibility and craved the comfort of knowing exactly what to expect with him.

One night, the beginning of 2018, after we'd had a couple glasses of wine too many, he started speaking of his other two women. "On rotation" was how he referred to the three of us. He had us on rotation. When I asked more questions, he gave me answers that dumbfounded me. The first year he and I were together, it was just us as agreed upon. However, the last four years he'd had both of them. Not just during the times he and I were apart, but while we were together.

I was blown away. I had never suspected. During our times apart, we both knew that the other was with someone. Yet, during our times together, I thought it was just us. We were supposed to be completely open with each other. There was at least one time he told me he couldn't talk to me when I re-appeared because he was in a relationship. How could there have been two ongoing women that I knew nothing about. We had, what I thought, was an iron clad agreement that gave us all the freedom we would need. If he'd wanted to have women "on rotation", it wasn't something he had to hide from me for years. It just wasn't in the original agreement but that agreement was always known to be flexible.

If he hid both of them for years, what else has he hid? What do I not know?

These were issues I was already struggling with. I had trusted someone else completely and discovered that nothing had been what I thought. So I'd turned to my Dom as a reminder that there are honest people and to restore my faith in humanity. Instead, four months into it I discovered there were things I didn't know.

So, I pulled away from him. I needed to breath and find my faith in humanity without another human being helping me there.

I went months without seeing him. During that time, I had sex once with one other person. It was more than I could have predicted, totally unexpected, and quite nice. Yet, that person withdrew afterward in what, as best I understood, was a fear he may become emotionally attached and needed to work through some baggage before he could entertain that idea (which I've mad respect for).

Outside of that I remained on my own. I had several people pursue me, but I just needed more time to breath.

I visited my Dom again in June. I was super excited. I'd accepted that he'd deceived me, grieved the loss of what almost felt like innocence, and decided that the pros were still worth the cons.

Yet, everything was different. Although there had been times we both had a couple of glasses too many and ended up with a slight head buzz, this time he became drunk. I had always relied on him to refill my glass and never paid attention to how much I drank as he always withdrew it at what he felt was the right time. The slight head buzz was always the maximum limit. It wasn't until the movie went off that I realized I'd drank way more than I ever would normally. Then, I realized he had as well. Why were we both drunk?

Then, he wanted to visit the neighbors and introduce them to me. We'd always been just us. I never introduced him into my life, he never introduced me into his. We always knew about each others lives, but never did those lines cross. Confused, I went with him to the neighbors. He talked to them about me as if he and I were a long term, established, serious relationship. Expectations seemed to be laid down around me, and I was struggling to make sense of it all. Upon returning back to his place, I witnessed a seeming transformation that I'd never anticipated.

HE

WAS

SUBMISSIVE

It was nothing direct. Just a tilt of the head, a lowered gaze, a timid smile, a long pause.

I can't put into words the fire that lit inside of me and spread through my body. It had been so long since I'd dominated anyone. I instantly felt the slickness between my thighs. My mouth practically watered.

I
DEVOURED
HIM

In my still drunken haze, I incorporated things I'd learned from him into my complete domination of him. Things I'd never expected to do to him flew through my mind faster than I could react. His flesh between my biting teeth. My hand around his throat. My fingers twisting in his hair as I pulled his head back. The pictures falling off the wall as I slammed him into the door. I hadn't realized that I missed releasing my dominant side so much until that night.

Then, instantly, we both froze. I'm not sure what exactly happened that triggered it but it was as if suddenly we were both aware that there had been a complete roll reversal. I was shaking, he was shaking. Both of us quivering, drenched in sweat and suddenly uncomfortable.

"Hey, you're using my moves! Those are my moves!"

I just stared at his lips as he spoke those words. Suddenly sober and wondering what the hell was happening.

"Well, I never doubted that you were a good teacher," I replied. I TOLD him I was going to the fridge to get something to drink, still fully encompassed by my dominant nature yet frantically willing my body and mind to return to his being the Dom I'd come to rely on for years.

We ceased all activity at this point. We both conceded it was late and we curled up in bed to sleep. Yet, our normal sleep positions were uncomfortable. My body was still humming to the tune of dominance and a submissive sleep position was like a short circuit in my body. I simply couldn't transition that fast. We both laid there, unable to sleep.

I've not been back since.

That was June.

I haven't been with anyone since then. I recently finally got up the courage to go on a date and followed it with a second date. Yet, he wanted to kiss me. That kiss was a trigger that literally halted my interest in this new man instantly. We'd been talking for weeks. Both our dates were fun. He appears responsible, a great father, stable, incredibly fit. Why would my interest just switch off?

The lovely ginger that I'd spent one night with earlier in the year resurfaced. He wanted to revisit what we'd started. Yet, while the thought of this excites me, I also feel almost a panic at the thought.

That panic is present anytime I consider meeting someone new or revisiting someone from before.

I want to play. I want to feel my body respond to someone else's touch. I have plenty of options.

Yet, I feel nervous. I feel anxious. I almost feel scared.

I'm not sure what it is. Is it because I don't trust my own judgments anymore when it comes to those I share my body with? Is it because I don't believe that I know what to expect or what will come? Is it because I no longer trust anyone?

I am looking at the playgrounds before me. So many are inviting. So many will be a wonderful experience.

Why can't I chose one to play on?

I want to bypass the anxiety and learn to play again.

Sugar Daddy

A friend told me that, as busy and demanding as my life is, a Sugar Daddy would suit me best. I explained that I have very little free time and that a SD would want more time than I could give, which is the same issue I have with traditional relationships. He then asked me to lists the reasons why I have little free time. I mentioned the children’s special medical needs and all the extra time and care that entails, the time it takes driving, cleaning, trying to earn an income, making auto and home repairs, pet care, and the inability to afford decent help for my children. My friend then asked if I would have more free time to date if I could hire a maid, pay someone to make the house repairs, hire a mechanic instead of repairing the cars myself, and so forth. Of course I knew that it would.

Then he gave me that look. You know, the one where someone patiently stares at you and you know you appear ignorant.

Then it clicked.

He saw the flash of comprehension and then asked how much happier would I be if I could regularly escape to go have fun. He explained that a SD would benefit me because it would allow more free time in my life by taking over some of the responsibilities.

I am not familiar with SD/SB dynamics. My friend insists that I’ve stereotyped them unconsciously. I had mentioned that my days of being an obedient sub were long past and he insisted that there were submissive Sugar Daddies. There were switch Sugar Daddies. That Sugar Daddies are all different and not just Doms.

Since our conversation my mind has ventured back to it. A submissive sugar daddy? An incredibly sexy man that would provide for things in my life simply so that it would free up my time to spend with them? A man that would do this and not expect full submission in return?

So, now I am poking around in the Sugar Daddy realm of FL as my curiosity is piqued. Tell me your experiences! What works, what doesn’t.

The independent and confident woman in me balks at the idea simply as I’ve always done everything on my own. However the logical side of me sees that this makes sense.

Fantasies While Masturbating

So what should I fantasize about while masturbating in shower tonight?

Last time it was you sitting across room in chair, with your hands bound behind the chair. You wouldn't quit making suggestions so I had a ball gag in your mouth also. Your other two women you keep on rotation were there.....

I was sitting on one of their faces while they were bound. The other had her hands bound behind her back and was nibbling and sucking on my nipples and neck.

Then the one that was nibbling on me slid on a strap on and fucked me while your other woman continued to lick and suck on my clit.

All while you watched.

Then after they both took turns getting me off, I came and sat on your lap and eased you into me. I kept you in me until I got off again.

Then I untied you and let you lead me to the bed where you promptly fucked me while choking me and biting on my already red and sensitive Nipple.

Then, when I was completely spent, you and I laid beside each other while your women came back to bed to suck us both off.

When done they cleaned us up while we laid beside each other relaxing. They then got each other off as we watched.

They then went to sleep on the floor beside the bed while we laid in each other's arms and drifted off to sleep.

I Need

I need to be your “little girl” for a day. Not your “good girl”. I need you to greet me in the driveway with a soft and gentle kiss. I need you to carry in my bag as you always do and then take me out to dinner. I need you to have it all planned out. Where we go, what you will order for me to eat, what I will drink and even how much. I need you to cut my food for me if it needs to be cut. I need you to hold my hand and sit beside me. I need you to stay with me every moment we are in public. Not to walk away and leave me a crowd. If you must walk away, to make sure I am not in the crowd but feeling safe.

I need you to find something for us to do that makes us feel as one. Whether it’s line the goofy time you had is both get sunglasses or the time you held me on the couch through the entire long movie. I just need something together that isn’t dinner. That isn’t sexual. It doesn’t matter what it is as long as we have to do it together. Something that isn’t a necessity (like grocery shopping).

I need you to protect me as you would a little girl who the big bad world is trying to trample upon and break.

I need you to take me home after and undress me. To take me to the shower and gently wash my hair and body. To rinse and dry me and then put lotion on me. All work girly-ish smell good stuff versus the manly green soap. I need you to do all of this like the night you kneeled before me and washed my feet so long ago.

I need you to dress me in one of your button down dress shirts that you’ve worn and that smells like you. I need you to make every single decision for the entire evening and night.

When we do make it to the bedroom, I need you to caress me, to love me, to remind me often that I am your good girl and that you care for me deeply. I need gentle kisses as your hands are around my neck. I need massages and rub downs. I need you lay down the belt for the night and tell me once again how beautiful you think my skin is. I need you to protect me and keep me safe.

I need it to be ok that I give nothing in return. That I simply allow you to care for me. Years past, when our visits were frequent, you were so in tune with me that you knew when I needed this. I never had to speak it.

The last couple of times that I’ve left I have felt empty. I wanted you to still instinctively know, even though we rarely see one another.

I want to feel like I am the only one. You know that I don’t mind the others. You even know that I’ve long since gotten over the confusing emotions when I found out ther had almost always been two others like me, instead of just the randomness I thought. You know I don’t mind them as they change nothing for us. But for a night I need to feel like I am the only one.

I need to walk away feeling full, feeling brave, feeling strong.

Because right now I’m the “little girl” and not the “good girl”. I’ve been the “little girl” for quite some time and had I simply told you before then you would have helped me. It took me a while to understand it was simply because our rarely seeing each other has kept us not as deeply connected as before. Because when I’m a little girl it takes me longer to figure things out.

I need your Love and strength to remind me of the woman I am .I need you to tend to the little girl so the woman can come back and conquer the world.

As I sat on the couch, working on something he had so humbly asked me to help him with, he came into the room with a pillow and a chair. He situated them both before me, laying the pillow on the chair. He then picked up my feet and placed them on the pillow.

I never question his actions anymore. I have learned that whatever he does, he has my best interest in mind.

I kept diligently working, being careful not to pay much attention to what he was doing. Watching him would result in my trying to figure out what he was doing, which would then distract me from the work he had asked me to do. The work that, though seemingly minor, was something I longed to do simply because he asked it of me.

He came back into the room with a bottle of oil, setting it on the table. He then gently lifted both my feet in his firm, strong hand. With his other hand he lifted the pillow. He then sat down, placed the pillow on his lap, and nestled my feet onto the pillow.

Through this I kept working.

Until I felt the oil hit my feet. Although I had suspected, I was still amazed that this powerful, strong, beautiful man was rubbing oil into my feet. I continued to work but my work was punctuated with the loving smiles I gave him, as well as the relaxing sighs that came from me.

After rubbing both my feet with oil and relaxing me thoroughly, he stood and gently placed my feet back on the pillow that rested upon the chair. He then returned with a large glass bowl of warm water.

He returned to the chair, with my feet nestled upon the pillow on his lap. He then cleansed my feet while telling me about his mother cleaning the children's feet in their youth. He showed me the love and devotion he felt doing so to me.

After patting my feet gently dry, he again left the room. He then returned with powder which he rubbed into my feet.

He had thoroughly cleansed my feet.

"Someone really loves you when they clean your feet", he told me while gazing in my eyes.

He held my feet in his hand while sliding back the chair and placing the pillow on the floor beneath me. He gently laid my feet upon the pillow and went to work putting up everything he had gotten out.

All I could do was watch him. I had forgotten my work. All I knew was his presence as my bathed and powdered feet rested upon a pillow. All I knew was HIM.

When he came back into the room, he sat in the chair in front of me. I leaned forward, and he bent down towards me.

Ever so gently, with emotion charging the air, I kissed his lips gently and whispered, "Thank you."

I am his girl.