Learning to Play Again

Through all of 2017, I had sex a total of three times.

That's a record. I started having sex at 16 and never looked back.

I'm 42, and I had sex a total of three times last year.

At first it started because I was knocked out of my comfort zone. You see, for several years I had a Dom. It was an unique arrangement that worked for us. He didn't want a committed long term relationship yet offered me more than I could have ever imagined. He helped me work through deeply entrenched PTSD issues from sexual assaults and gave me my first orgasms. He encouraged me to continue looking for my "forever" partner. When I would cross paths with someone I thought might be "the one", my Dom and I would part ways. We wouldn't communicate in any way as I pursued the path before me. If things didn't work out (to date they haven't), I'd contact him again. Most of those times we picked up where we'd left off with the understanding that when we were with each other, we were only with each other. No other play partners unless we were together and brought someone else in. If one of us wanted to pursue something else with another, we'd part ways and each would respect the others choice. It worked great for us.

He was my constant. The one person I could always rely and depend on to stay consistently the same.

Then, during the very end of 2017, things changed. He seemingly forgot that I couldn't be slapped in the face and did so on three different occasions. He started venturing into more submissive actions during sex. They weren't typically things I was opposed to but they were so different then the five years of consistency I'd come to know and rely on. I was at a point in life where I was overwhelmed with responsibility and craved the comfort of knowing exactly what to expect with him.

One night, the beginning of 2018, after we'd had a couple glasses of wine too many, he started speaking of his other two women. "On rotation" was how he referred to the three of us. He had us on rotation. When I asked more questions, he gave me answers that dumbfounded me. The first year he and I were together, it was just us as agreed upon. However, the last four years he'd had both of them. Not just during the times he and I were apart, but while we were together.

I was blown away. I had never suspected. During our times apart, we both knew that the other was with someone. Yet, during our times together, I thought it was just us. We were supposed to be completely open with each other. There was at least one time he told me he couldn't talk to me when I re-appeared because he was in a relationship. How could there have been two ongoing women that I knew nothing about. We had, what I thought, was an iron clad agreement that gave us all the freedom we would need. If he'd wanted to have women "on rotation", it wasn't something he had to hide from me for years. It just wasn't in the original agreement but that agreement was always known to be flexible.

If he hid both of them for years, what else has he hid? What do I not know?

These were issues I was already struggling with. I had trusted someone else completely and discovered that nothing had been what I thought. So I'd turned to my Dom as a reminder that there are honest people and to restore my faith in humanity. Instead, four months into it I discovered there were things I didn't know.

So, I pulled away from him. I needed to breath and find my faith in humanity without another human being helping me there.

I went months without seeing him. During that time, I had sex once with one other person. It was more than I could have predicted, totally unexpected, and quite nice. Yet, that person withdrew afterward in what, as best I understood, was a fear he may become emotionally attached and needed to work through some baggage before he could entertain that idea (which I've mad respect for).

Outside of that I remained on my own. I had several people pursue me, but I just needed more time to breath.

I visited my Dom again in June. I was super excited. I'd accepted that he'd deceived me, grieved the loss of what almost felt like innocence, and decided that the pros were still worth the cons.

Yet, everything was different. Although there had been times we both had a couple of glasses too many and ended up with a slight head buzz, this time he became drunk. I had always relied on him to refill my glass and never paid attention to how much I drank as he always withdrew it at what he felt was the right time. The slight head buzz was always the maximum limit. It wasn't until the movie went off that I realized I'd drank way more than I ever would normally. Then, I realized he had as well. Why were we both drunk?

Then, he wanted to visit the neighbors and introduce them to me. We'd always been just us. I never introduced him into my life, he never introduced me into his. We always knew about each others lives, but never did those lines cross. Confused, I went with him to the neighbors. He talked to them about me as if he and I were a long term, established, serious relationship. Expectations seemed to be laid down around me, and I was struggling to make sense of it all. Upon returning back to his place, I witnessed a seeming transformation that I'd never anticipated.

HE

WAS

SUBMISSIVE

It was nothing direct. Just a tilt of the head, a lowered gaze, a timid smile, a long pause.

I can't put into words the fire that lit inside of me and spread through my body. It had been so long since I'd dominated anyone. I instantly felt the slickness between my thighs. My mouth practically watered.

I
DEVOURED
HIM

In my still drunken haze, I incorporated things I'd learned from him into my complete domination of him. Things I'd never expected to do to him flew through my mind faster than I could react. His flesh between my biting teeth. My hand around his throat. My fingers twisting in his hair as I pulled his head back. The pictures falling off the wall as I slammed him into the door. I hadn't realized that I missed releasing my dominant side so much until that night.

Then, instantly, we both froze. I'm not sure what exactly happened that triggered it but it was as if suddenly we were both aware that there had been a complete roll reversal. I was shaking, he was shaking. Both of us quivering, drenched in sweat and suddenly uncomfortable.

"Hey, you're using my moves! Those are my moves!"

I just stared at his lips as he spoke those words. Suddenly sober and wondering what the hell was happening.

"Well, I never doubted that you were a good teacher," I replied. I TOLD him I was going to the fridge to get something to drink, still fully encompassed by my dominant nature yet frantically willing my body and mind to return to his being the Dom I'd come to rely on for years.

We ceased all activity at this point. We both conceded it was late and we curled up in bed to sleep. Yet, our normal sleep positions were uncomfortable. My body was still humming to the tune of dominance and a submissive sleep position was like a short circuit in my body. I simply couldn't transition that fast. We both laid there, unable to sleep.

I've not been back since.

That was June.

I haven't been with anyone since then. I recently finally got up the courage to go on a date and followed it with a second date. Yet, he wanted to kiss me. That kiss was a trigger that literally halted my interest in this new man instantly. We'd been talking for weeks. Both our dates were fun. He appears responsible, a great father, stable, incredibly fit. Why would my interest just switch off?

The lovely ginger that I'd spent one night with earlier in the year resurfaced. He wanted to revisit what we'd started. Yet, while the thought of this excites me, I also feel almost a panic at the thought.

That panic is present anytime I consider meeting someone new or revisiting someone from before.

I want to play. I want to feel my body respond to someone else's touch. I have plenty of options.

Yet, I feel nervous. I feel anxious. I almost feel scared.

I'm not sure what it is. Is it because I don't trust my own judgments anymore when it comes to those I share my body with? Is it because I don't believe that I know what to expect or what will come? Is it because I no longer trust anyone?

I am looking at the playgrounds before me. So many are inviting. So many will be a wonderful experience.

Why can't I chose one to play on?

I want to bypass the anxiety and learn to play again.

Waiting to Make Out

I won’t pretend that there haven’t been plenty of times I’ve made out on a first, second or even third date. Hell, I’d be lying if I said I hadn’t had sex on a first date. Yet, there been plenty of dating relationships where physical and sexual interaction didn’t happen until after we’d gotten to know each other well enough to at least know we weee beginning to be friends. What’s happened to that?

If I want to just have sex, I am not going to take the time to arrange childcare, spend a while getting dolled up, then drive an hour to meet someone. I’m not going to have sex with someone new if my intent is just sex. If I am looking for just sex I am going to go to someone I know, where I am guaranteed to get exactly what I want and seek. Why risk a ton of time and energy for sex that might turn out mediocre when a gal always knows where to go to get that which curls her toes and brings loud moans?

I do not want just sex. I haven’t for quite some time. Part of thatay he the menopause but I feel most of it is just my wanting something deeper (no pun intended).

I want to be INSPIRED.

I want to be MOTIVATED.

I want to be ENCOURAGED.

I want someone that will look at me on the days I’m so overwhelmed I simply can’t go on and push me to keep moving forward.

Someone that sees my strength and capabilities when I’ve lost sight of them.

Someone that understands gaining my friendship first means that when I do finally share my body it will be with a passion, a desire, a strength that can consume us both and envelope is completely.

It all really boils down to one thing. Just one thing I want with someone no matter what. One thing I want to have before my body is touched.

T
R
U
S
T

Trust: Make Sense of this For Me Please

How is it this can be the case......

I trust a particular person in all areas of the bedroom. I will let him choke me, pound himself deep into me with such strength that I have to lie with an ice pack between my legs afterward, and do pretty much anything he so desires to me if its' sexual related.

However, I can NOT trust him to be honest with me.

I can NOT trust him not to do hurtful things to myself or my children.

I can NOT trust him to be honest with others about my children or I.

I can NOT trust him not to take money from me.

I can NOT trust him not to take my son's, or my own, prescribed medications.

I can NOT trust him to keep what I confided in him confidential (even though I've told no one the dark, deep secrets he's told me).

I can NOT trust him to be in my life.

So, how can I trust him sexually when I trust NO ONE else?

How does this make sense at all?

His Proposition

Well, I can honestly say that I've had something happen that has NEVER happened to me before. I can't say that I haven't entertained the idea, but I have been taken quite by surprise.

Ultimately, a much younger man has told me that he would like to do some of my chores, massage my feet, be my footrest, clean my shoes, etc.

Well now, what's a confident, independent gal to say to that?

I do not know much about the sub/dom relationship, except that I do not believe it should be merely about the sexual aspects. Hell, I think it's not supposed to be about the sexual elements AT ALL. I believe that a true dom/sub relationship should be about one person wanting to take the lead in all responsibilities, thought processes, decisions, etc and the other person being so grateful for that direction that they humbly submit, wanting to please the one that cares for them so amazingly.

Fortunately, I've been blessed to come in contact with others that also do not believe it should be about sex.

That said, the idea of having a submissive male that would be willing to cater to my whim and fancy....... a man that would not question or debate or argue..... a man that would trust me enough not to break or shatter any part of his being.....

I find that so very empowering.

It feeds and fuels my confidence.

It makes me want to journey forth in this experience to learn, explore, grow.

Someone told me, "You can't be a dom unless you've once been a sub."

I call bullshit.

Because even though I've never been in an alternative dom/sub lifestyle, I have been in plenty of shitty and even some really bad abusive ones. I know how to give everything you have in an effort to save a marriage. I know how to sacrifice so much that at times you don't know where he ends and you begin. I also know what happens when you give so much of yourself and the person you give it to does not show you unconditional love, support, forgiveness and respect. I know that shattering. I know that splintering. I also know how to support, lift up, and help people grow. I am a caregiver by nature.

Have I ever been a "dom"? No, but I'm 99.9% sure that I would do a hell of a lot better with it then the people I see who have miserable subs that only repeat what they've been told they must say.

I'm sure someone along the way is going to blast me as arrogant for thinking I could do what a dom can do.

The fact of the matter is, the people I consider to be "true doms" are the ones that know that I do not presume to have their knowledge, their experiences or their skills. They will totally "get" what I mean by this post and though they know any attempts I make now would be going in blind, they will understand the points behind this post.  Because they see through the illusion that exist in this lifestyle. They see the depth that should be there that is missing. They actually give a fuck about their subs/slaves and would never seek to do anything that would cause permanent damage.

 I mean, there are support groups for former slaves/subs!!!

Back to the proposition that was made to me.......

I do believe I feel giddy!

;-)

Now to see if he actually reads my writings.

Wait.... it wasn't just ME

We took yohimbe. It worked great! You lasted substantially longer and was able to "perform" repeatedly.

So why did you never want to take it again?

Which has led me to wonder.....

Why didn't you ever really want sex?

I mean, we were lucky if it was once a week.

You said that my wanting it all the time made you not want it at all.

Ummm.... WHAT?!?!

Wow, I really did make a lot of exceptions for you.

I spoke to one of your family members today. They said they didn't think you were ever clean while with me. That you were just manipulating me. That I should have kicked you out a very long time ago.

It's OK, because I will learn from these mistakes. I will grow stronger. I will determine exactly what I like, what I want, and what I won't tolerate.

Then, I will find a man that will truly take care of me, and I will fully surrender.

Yes, I am firmly establishing my goals now.

Watch out world.... here I cum.

The Reason Why You Never Made Me CUM....

I tried to tell you. I told you that I had to have it, well, different. Non-vanilla. I don't want pain, well not alot of it. Just a little.

You pulled my hair ONE TIME. Then you quit. Why? 

You slapped my ass on two different occasions. Then you quit. Why? 

You could kiss as if a demi-God sent upon this earth to tantalize by tongue and lips alone. I could lie in your kisses for hours. 

But I still wanted to lose myself in sex. 

You are an addict. Addicted to Molly, and heroin, and prescription pills that you snort to no end. 

I am addicted to sex. 

Yet a very unique kind of sex. 

Sex where I trust the person I'm with to take care of me. To make me feel just enough pain that I can relax and lose myself in the moment. Yet, not enough pain that the old familiar panic hits. 

You asked me why. 

Why could I only orgasm if it was rough, repetitive, and hard? 

Why would I only squirt like that, when I had so many times before been beaten and raped against my will? 

I could not answer you. 

Anymore than you could answer me as to why you couldn't stand to cause me even the slightest pain, despite my begging for it. Despite my wanting the full release of orgasm. 

You and I...... we both have been abused. She tortured you. He tortured me. Yet somehow we came out of it on opposite sides of the spectrum. 

You: soft, loving, gentle, romantic. 

Me: hardened, calloused, rough, practical. 

Did I ever tell you why I loved you so? 

You told me that you felt like I could look inside you, past the walls, and see the part of you that you kept hidden and locked away. 

That hidden part you kept locked away is why I loved you. 

Because you were as hideously broken, shattered and beautiful as I am. 

Orgasm

I didn't know I could have orgasms.

I thought I was broken. 

But then he gave them to me. 

Mind Blowing

  Earth Shattering

    Bed Soaking

  

      Squirting

        Whole Body Quivering

You never gave me those. 

You I had to train just to be able to move past "stupid teenage sex"

You trained well

But after 8 months I'm ready to have those orgasms again

I told you it was "good"

It was good, once you started heeding my lessons

But I'm moving on to 

Mind Blowing

  Earth Shattering

    Bed Soaking

  

      Squirting

        Whole Body Quivering

I'm sure while you're with your junkie girlfriends, you'll remember that I gave, to use your words, "the best head hands down" and wonder if the needle's liquid coursing through your veins is worth it. 

My Year Without Sex

First let me say, I am almost convinced that this blog post will get more viewers then any of my other recent blog post simply because it has the word "sex" in the title. Come on, you know it caught your attention also.

Now, let me explain. "My Year Without Sex" is the title of an Indie Film. I watched it on Netflix tonight. I typically only watch two types of films.....films with a strong inspirational current or indie films that delve into topics I can relate to.

"My Year Without Sex" is based on a married woman with children. She suffers a brain aneurysm and although she recovers, she is told she can not do any heavy lifting, sneezing, straining on the toilet, or orgasm. As the doctor says, three of those should be preventable.

I was pleased to see a film such as this. Having struggled with various health issues through the years, including Levator Syndrome, I can relate. Most men and women who struggle with chronic health issues will find many scenes in this movie they can relate to. However, this film also looks at it from the caretakers view also. The point is even made in the film that often the caretaker's role and needs are overlooked. I totally recommend this movie to couples where one has health issues that impedes the sexual relationship within the marriage.

I personally would not let my children see this film. This movie has a strong sexual undercurrent. It points out how society (this movie is based in Australia) is bombarding us with sex. This movie advocates for monogamy in a marriage and shows how adultery adversely affects all involved, even the mistress years later. Christianity is discussed throughout the movie, presenting it both from a devout Christian's viewpoint (even showing the devout Christian at moments of uncertainty) as well as from someone contemplating God's existence for the first time in their life.

This movie also touches on topics such as living on a tight budget, keeping up with the Joneses, and other scenes that will remind you of your own life!