Some Days.....

Some days are just too much.

It doesn't seem to matter how hard I strive, how determined I am. Life gives no fucks. I've struggled for years and the fact is that life is just too damn much.

"They" say there is no harm in asking for help from others. Yet, there is. Asking for help makes you vulnerable because when no one shows up to help (or worse says they will but never does), it's a big neon flashing sign screaming "YOU'RE ON YOUR OWN".

I've been fighting like hell to keep moving, to keep going. Every step I accomplish forward, life hits me back another ten feet. I can't even come up with a plan that even remotely appears to move forward.

I am alone. I go through these periods where I convince myself that I'm not alone. That there are people who care enough about me that they'd willingly help me as much as I strive to help them.

Yet, it never really works out that way. It seems my life has been a series of me doing for others and there not being anyone around when I need them.

I am so overwhelmed. There is no one to talk to. I've asked help from those I could and the result was they were no longer around. Or they keep stringing me along telling me they'll come at some future date to help.

Fuck this world. Fuck everyone in it.

Just for today, I wish the damn planet would just implode.

Thanksgiving Blues

Last year I was driving back from Atlanta, having dropped off my best friend at the hospital for more tests and procedures. Normally I stayed there with her, but my children needed me home. With all her treatments and tests, I'd hardly seen them. Her old college friends were in Atlanta and she'd spend the holidays with them. I was coming home to my kids.... and to you.

Traffic was hell and I ran so late. There would be no Thanksgiving dinner. I wouldn't even get home until after everyone's bed time. I wouldn't get to pick up my son's from the sitter. Only my daughter would be home waiting for me.

I called you in tears. You told me to stop by your Mom's on the way home. You said that there was plenty of food. I'd never met your mother or anyone outside of your children. You're mom's was only a half hour round trip out of the way and an hour and half before I'd get home.

I told you I'd come because I was so tired and hungry that I didn't think I'd make it home if I didn't stop for a break to eat.

I really came because I needed you. I needed to feel you're presence. You never touched me, yet you always felt like home. I needed you to tell me everything was going to be all right. I needed to see your smile and that look in your eyes that you got when you were worried about me. I needed to smile back and tell you that I'd be ok. That I was ok. Somehow always telling you that I was ok made me feel stronger.

I was so tapped out I didn't want to meet anyone new. I was wearing leggings and a sweatshirt so that I'd be comfortable for the long car ride. My hair was pulled back with sunglasses and the bags under my eyes showed the hours I'd logged driving. I'd left my house at 2am, and here we were at 9pm.

Yet, the minute I pulled up and saw you, everything was OK. You walked me in and sat me down at a table away from everyone. Then, your mother dove in. She was all the things a mother should be. Comforting, understanding, supportive. She made me a plate and then made a plate for me to take home to my daughter.

Do you remember that night? Your daughter was in the kitchen talking to other family across the bar. I heard her clearly say, "No, they're just BFFs" as you walked into the kitchen to get me something to drink. "Right Dad? You and her are just BFFs?" You replied something I couldn't hear and I heard her say, "Yeah, just BFFs".

Your mom told me later that she knew that night that you and I would end up together. She said that I was good for you. That she could see how much I loved you. She told me you could be difficult but that you were a good man.

Here we are, a year later. I don't know if you love me or if you ever did. You're no longer my best friend and there are no more trips to Atlanta because the cancer finally won and my other best friend is gone. I told myself my health issues were too intense to cook Thanksgiving today but the truth is that this Thanksgiving is too painful. This Thanksgiving I look around my life and realize my two best friends are gone. I've spent most of my life without best friends. I've been ok with that. Yet, I had two for a short time and felt less alone than I'd ever felt in my life. Somehow that makes today feel more alone than ever.

This Thanksgiving I'm sitting here at a computer, typing these words as tears stream down my face. I ache to go back in time just for a brief moment, to a time when my two best friends were in my life. To that time when I thought I was strong, loved, and able to conquer anything life threw at me.

I miss you.

I miss her.

This Thanksgiving sucks.

Desiderata

"Desiderata"

Go placidly amid the noise and haste,
and remember what peace there may be in silence.

As far as possible, without surrender,
be on good terms with all persons.

Speak your truth quietly and clearly;
and listen to others,
even to the dull and ignorant;
they too have their story.

Avoid loud and aggressive persons;
they are vexations to the spirit.

If you compare yourself with others,
you may become vain or bitter,
for always there will be greater
and lesser persons than yourself.

Enjoy your achievements as well as your plans.

Keep interested in your own career, however humble,
it's a real possession in the changing fortunes of time.

Exercise caution in your business affairs,
for the world is full of trickery.

But let this not blind you to what virtue there is;
many persons strive for high ideals,
and everywhere life is full of heroism.

Be yourself.

Especially do not feign affection.

Neither be cynical about love;
for in the face of all aridity and disenchantment,
it is as perennial as the grass.

Take kindly the counsel of the years,
gracefully surrendering the things of youth.

Nurture strength of spirit
to shield you in sudden misfortune.

But do not distress yourself with dark imaginings.

Many fears are born of fatigue and loneliness.

Beyond a wholesome discipline,
be gentle with yourself.

You are a child of the universe
no less than the trees and the stars;
you have a right to be here.

And whether or not it is clear to you,
no doubt the universe is unfolding as it should.

Therefore be at peace with God,
whatever you conceive him to be.

And whatever your labors and aspirations,
in the noisy confusion of life,
keep peace in your soul.

With all its sham, drudgery and broken dreams,
it is still a beautiful world.

Be cheerful.

Strive to be happy.



"Desiderata" was written in 1927 by Max Ehrmann (1872-1945)

It wasn't them, it was ME

Several years ago I met a man and believed that he and I were meant to be together. There was really only one reason I thought this, yet it was enough to make me overlook the warning signs. It was enough to make me invest throughly and end up in a situation where he managed and controlled me long after I left him.

That one thing that made me think we were supposed to be together?

I FELT SAFE

You see, I have a pretty serious background of trauma and abuse. My CPTSD is well earned. For as long as I can remember I've felt scared around men. It takes years and years of being around a male before I cease to fear them. I don't let others know this, it's simply something I have to work through.

I thought that because I didn't feel scared around him, that it meant he and I were supposed to be together. I mean, I'd never felt that way around any other male. So it had to be a sign.

That relationship lasted several years and was full of abuse, trauma and extreme gaslighting. He was the first person with narcism I'd ever met, though it was only after leaving him that a therapist helped me realize that's what he was. He was the farthest thing from safe.

Yet, after all the trauma and abuse, I didn't even remember that there had been a time when I felt safe with him. I've spent so much time trying to figure out how he managed to get me to be with him when all the signs pointed to something I should run from.

I've figured some of it out... how he managed to find my one weakness (my constant worry that I'm failing as a parent) and worm his way into a position that caused me to second guess myself. How he used the past I'd confided in him against me. There are several other things that contribute and most likely more I haven't realized yet.

My latest revelation was that my feeling safe with him had nothing to do with him. I've only recently realized this and it came only after I ventured out to date again and ended up in a committed relationship with someone that I felt was "the one". I mean, if I felt that safe, that secure, then it had to be a sign, right?

It was only when I read through older blog posts that I remembered I'd once felt that way about the ex. The abusive ex that was a true life example of narcism.

How could I have felt safe with both of them?

I realized that prior to either of those relationships, I'd actually made a leap forward in my self growth. I had come to a point where I didn't feel scared around males anymore. Yet, because I hadn't been in the dating world, I didn't realize it. My first date with someone I'd never met before was with him.

I guess I should have realized then that it wasn't that he was safe, but rather my perception of men had changed.

Now that I know this, I have to re-asses a good bit of my life. I need to go back and see what else has changed with the lack of fear.

Ultimately, it's a relief to know that my "safe" radar isn't broken but is finally more to where it needs to be. It wasn't that they felt safe, simply that they didn't feel dangerous. Had I paid attention to the red flags I'd have seen the danger. Instead I kept telling myself, and let him tell me, that feeling safe meant the red flags were wrong.

You live and ya learn, right?

Necessary vs What I Want

As a child I was responsible for attempting to keep the peace in the house. That basically meant taking over for my mother, keeping the house and raising my two siblings while trying like hell to walk on eggshells so I didn’t get beaten.

At 16 I was on my own. I’ve primarily been that way ever since, even raising my kids on my own. I fix what breaks, don’t buy it if I can pay cash for it, and do not need anyone. I am independent, self sufficient, and dominant in real life. This is my life based on what is necessary. It’s what I have to do because there isn’t another way.

Due to always having to be in charge in real life, I seriously enjoy being submissive in the bedroom (at times).

Yet, if I were to be honest, I wish that I could just live a real life where I’m not in charge of everything. I would be completely ok with staying home all day, tending kids and keeping house. I want to be able to make all the decisions regarding the house (how to decorate, what to do during the day, shopping, meal planning, etc). I wouldn’t want to manage the full budget but would rather be given three allowances; one for frivolous purchases as I see fit,, one for everything the home needs (toiletries, food, furniture, etc), and one for whatever the kids and my partner needs such as clothing.

I’m a hell of a cook but rarely get to cook because I am so busy trying to keep up with everything. I’d love to spend several days a week cooking up a great meal to be enjoyed when my partner comes home at the end of a long workday (several days but instead of all cause I know how to use cooking days to prep for other days). I’d love to be able to shower and slip into slinky lingerie and curl up in bed knowing my house is spotless and everyone feels comfy like a fat cat in front of the fireplace. I want to go to bed with sex and be woken the same way.

I would willing devote evenings to my partners non-sexual pursuits, interest, and so forth in exchange for not having to be the only person in charge. I exclude sexual because there are some hard limits I have that must be respected.

Insert long sigh here

Ultimately, this is a dream. Although two of my children are technically grown, their health issues mean they’ll always need some oversight or assistance. My youngest is 13 with a major mental illness. I have health issues that periodically mean I have to spend a day or few in bed to recuperate. Loyalty, honesty, devotion, being a hella great cook, great in the sack, passionate, and living life to the fullest are all characteristics that make me a hell of a catch, but nothing I have to offer outweighs the reality of being an unhealthy single mom of three kids with special needs (this isn’t my view just that of most everyone else).

Still, a gal can dream. I always thought this dream made me weak but I realized that I’ve done more, accomplished more and conquered more than most healthy people ever even consider doing.

There is no weakness in wanting to stay at home and keep it a smooth running machine where others flock for a sense of acceptance and safety. There is nothing wrong with a woman that wants a man in charge.

Self Care

“You won't be able to take care of anyone else if you aren't taking care of yourself.”
“What have you done for you lately?”
“You have to pamper yourself.”
“You have to do something frivolous.”
“Have you bought yourself anything lately?”
“Self care has to be something that you indulge in, something that's just for you and no one else.”

I wrote earlier about self care and how a lack of it can result in a lack of healthy boundaries. I mentioned a time when life had overwhelmed me with responsibilities. A time when I was too tired to do anything but sleep when I wasn't taking care of others. How the lack of self care during this time resulted in my latching onto an unhealthy relationship.

I think it's important to note that self care drastically varies depending on our situation. If life has pushed us into a situation where all we can do is focus on survival and are overwhelmed with responsibilities, self care will be different than a time period where we have less stressors. Ideally, we'd all like to follow the advice of people who have never walked in our shoes and give ourselves more self care when we're most stressed, but reality doesn't always give us this opportunity.

At one particular rough patch in my life, the only self care I had were the occasional text messages I sent to a friend. They were lengthy texts where I talked all about the responsibilities that were overwhelming me. I poured out how overwhelmed I was, how I didn't think I could go another day, and how I just wanted to curl up in a fetal position and sleep for three weeks. His replies were always words that strengthened me. He believed in me. He knew how strong I was even when I couldn't see it. My kids were lucky to have someone that wouldn't give up on them. He always said something that I had difficulty seeing in the moment, but that always made me feel a little bit stronger. This was the only self care I was able to find time for and it was always on the run.... a text sent in a doctors office, or an elevator, or in the wee early morning hours where dreaming of my to do list woke me.

Sometimes self care is giving my kitchen a through cleaning. Or cooking a huge meal that I won't be able to clean up from after, simply because I love creating new dishes and having others enjoy them. Sometimes self care is staying in the shower until the water runs out. Other times it's spending an hour after dark leaf blowing because it's the only time the kids are asleep. Self care can be learning to make your own body scrubs and moisturizers because you can't afford to buy the ones you love anymore. Maybe self care is taking a second helping of dinner when you normally let the kids split what's left. Self care could be drinking enough water, even if you really don't want to drink water at all.

Self care isn't always something you enjoy. Hell, sometimes self care can be downright painful. When you realize that you have unhealthy boundaries, self care means you determine why they exist and take the steps to eliminate them. When you realize a relationship is toxic, self care means you end it. Self care can be having a safe word. Self care can even be letting a trusted sadist have his way with you.

Self care isn't limited to frivolous things that are full of bliss and enjoyment. Self care sometimes is just going through the necessary day to day to make sure everyone stays alive and gets the care they need. Self care may be sitting three alarms instead of one to make sure you are up in time even if you sleep through the first two alarms due to overwhelming fatigue and exhaustion. Self care could be picking up that $5 pizza from Little Ceaser's because you simply don't have the energy to cook the kids dinner. Self Care could be having one of your kids run out in the cold to start the car for you, so that when you leave the car is heated and toasted and warm. Self care could be an extra blanket on the bed or swiping your daughters third pillow so you have one to go between your knees.

Self care could be picking the radio station, choosing your own music stream despite what others like or dislike, or choosing the movie that everyone will watch even if you don't have time to watch it (because you know it's a feel good movie and it'll put everyone in a better mood which means less stress for you).

Self care could be crying in your shower. It could also be spending a day in bed even when there are a thousand things you have to do. It could be leaving the dirty dishes out overnight or not getting out of bed when you remember you forgot to put the clothes in the dryer. Self care can be washing a load of clothes so that you have your favorite yoga pants the next day.

If you google self care, you'll get all kinds of recommendations: take a bubble bath, sleep 8-10 hours every night, eat balanced meals regularly throughout the day, spend time with your friends, schedule a date night, meditate, learn a new hobby, buy yourself a gift, a walk in the park, do something nice for someone else, turn off your phone, take a nap. Yet, when you're in the middle of survival mode, this list might as well include things like fly to the moon or make yourself invisible.

Self care is about perspective. It's important to realize this and to re-asses. If you can look at the things you do in a day and realize that some of what you feel you do out of desperation (such as picking up pizza for the third time this week for dinner) is actually self care (because now you don't have to cook and clean up after), it can change your day. Hell, it can even change your life.

Don't buy into the stereotypical ideals presented by people that have never walked in your shoes. Figure out what your own self care looks like and then GIVE YOURSELF CREDIT FOR IT. When you pick up that pizza for the third time this week don't think, “I'm such a shitty mom for feeding my kids pizza three times this week”. Instead, think “I'm going to practice self care and grab a pizza on the way home so that I don't have to cook and clean tonight”. Instead of wishing you could take a bubble bath, change your perspective. What do you normally do in the shower? Shampoo your hair? Put conditioner in it? Lather up your body? Tell yourself, “I'm going to practice self care and wash and condition my hair”.

I spent a very long time feeling like a failure because I wasn't practicing self care. I knew the importance of it. Yet, quite frankly, sometimes there just isn't time to do anything different then what we are doing to survive. So, when we can't change anything outwardly, the only thing we can change is our perspective.

Recognizing that self care is about perspective also has another benefit. It helps you to open your eyes to the little things people are you are doing to try and be helpful. It helps you to identify what you may need even when you didn't realize it was a need.

Re-evaluating your chaos to determine if you're actually practicing self care without realizing it can make the day seem substantially less burdensome.

Needs vs Wants: Part One

Part One

For someone with a history of abuse, it's difficult to determine what you want. Typically this is something mentioned early on in therapy or group. We realize that we don't know what we want and we invest a lot of time into figuring this out. We have to discover what we enjoy on the path of determining who we are. Eventually we have to decide what we want in a relationship.

I saw a post yesterday that was about determining what a person NEEDED in a relationship. My first thought was, “I don't need a relationship. I just want one.” Something tugged at the edges of my conscious mind and I paused to examine further what I'd just thought. It is true, I don't need anyone to survive. I've been on my own since 16. I've raised three kids on my own, each with special needs or health issues. I've survived trauma that people only think happens in movies. I've lost many friends and family members to death, starting at an early age. I would walk through hell itself to face Satan and doubt I'd feel any fear. I don't “need” anyone.

However, when you look at the question again, that isn't even the point. Fine, I don't need anyone. I am happy and content single. I have a history of being happier single then when in committed relationships. Why? Maybe because I never considered what I needed once I was in a relationship! Ideally, in hindsight, I think perhaps a relationship may fare better if you've identified your needs prior to moving into a relationship.

My first thoughts on this journey were to think about individual things that I wanted or needed. Honesty, touch, etc. These are explained more in depth below. However, in writing these things out I made a discovery. What I “need” isn't a list of things I need the other person to do, or not do. What I need in a relationship is to feel safe and secure. I feel compelled to write other things such as happy, content, and so forth. Yet, the more I ponder it the more I realize that I really just need to feel safe and secure. The list of individual things I'll consider are simply the path or means to my feeling safe and secure.

This brings me to look at the one thing I've requested out of all relationships for many years: HONESTY. Not society's view of “honest enough”, but full fledge, I can trust you with anything, you'll never deceive me, no white lies, transparent honesty. Everything else was negotiable. It took me quite some time to realize this and then even more time to accept it. Now though I realize that this isn't a want, it is a deep rooted need. I need someone who is absolutely honest and transparent as that is what I need to trust someone. With that trust comes safety and security. It doesn't mean they won't ever do hurtful things, it just means that they will do so openly so that we can work through it. That is safety. That is security.

What else do I need? I do buy into the concept that we all have different “love languages” and that the way we communicate and receive love is important. I perceive love and affection through touch primarily. Holding hands, kissing, hugs, being held, a light touch here and there, arms wrapped around my waist while washing dishes; touch is very important to me. Some of the special needs my children have mean that touch is difficult for them. The usual mother/child elements of touch have been lacking and it was difficult with me to correlate that the lack of touch did not mean a lack of love. Can I have a full, loving relationship without touch? Absolutely! Does this mean touch is merely a want instead of a need? No. I don't think it does. If I fell in love with a man that couldn't manage touch, then I have no doubts we'd work around it and I'd discover other ways to have that need met, yet at his point in time touch is very much a need in a relationship. Touch that I do not have to initiate. So, the second thing I need would be: Touch

The next thing that comes to mind is well thought out surprises. This can come in any form really. A gift, a pre-panned date night, a impromptu outing. Something that is given to me simply to bring me happiness. This is another “love language” and although my mind wants to rebel at stating it as a need, I do believe it is. I feel that stating I need well thought out surprises makes me selfish, materialistic, or even greedy. Yet the whole point of this exercise is to identify the things that I need which are things that will make me feel safe and secure in a relationship. Well thought out gifts and surprises shows me that the other person is thinking of me, appreciates me, and wants me to be happy. This offers a sense of security as well.

That said, I've come to realize that much of the well thought out surprises/gifts are about perspective. For example, a guy I was dating once told me he was bringing me a surprise. He had never given me anything before and I was incredibly excited. My mind raced with ideas; flowers, a hard cover copy of my favorite book, a trip somewhere, a new scarf? All day I wondered what the surprise was. When he arrived he presented a black canvas bag. I opened it and discovered it was a steamer (the kind you can use to de-wrinkle fabric, clean with, etc). I was disappointed and I'm certain it showed. I grew up with a slew of adult women that always complained that their husbands only bought them gifts that would help them work at home. Blenders, crock pots, vacuum cleaners, washing machines, and so forth. Without realizing it, I'd adopted that same attitude so a steamer wasn't a gift, but something that was a chore. Yet, from his end it was a well thought out gift. One that he'd spent considerable time and effort in finding after I'd used his steamer on my clothing one morning, raved about how much I loved it, and said I wanted to find me one. He'd been on the lookout for a good one for several weeks and had gotten me one that was even better than his as mine had all kinds of attachments that went with it. It was a well though out gift that held consideration and love behind it, yet I missed that. In hindsight, that well thought out gift was exactly what I wanted and even needed, despite it being a gift that I'd use for chores. So, even though I am defining my needs, I need to remember to look at the other person's perspective when determining if my needs are being met. So, the third thing I need is well thought out surprises/gifts.

It is quite difficult to determine wants from needs. I'm certain this list may change as time goes by and I continue to consider it and ponder it.

The next thing that I feel is a need for me is conversation. I need to be able to talk about my life, hear about their life, share our perspectives and ideas. Conversation is a must. It aides me in understanding my partner while also allowing us to have someone to confide in. I can't imagine I'd ever feel safe and secure with someone I couldn't hold a conversation with. Without conversation, how would we ever be on the same page? Working towards the same goals?

….......to be continued

Who is left?

What is left
when all the deceit is stripped away?

Who is left
when there are no lies to define you?

Do I know you?

Questions that shall always remain
Yet will fade from my memory
As surely as the sun shall rise tomorrow

He Undid Me

This is who I am.

I am a mirror so that others can look and see themselves, all of themselves. The parts they deny, the pasts they hold on to, the secrets they keep.

I reflect back the hard stuff, and motivate people to move past it.

This is who I am.

Yet you, you motivate me towards a complete selfishness unlike anything I've ever known before. I cease to see the world around me and I lose myself in my need, my need for their to be only us.

This is not who I am.

This is a place I've never been.

This is a place where I do not understand how to navigate, which direction to go or where to find an island amidst the dark abyss.

Where is the balance? How do I absorb the feeling of wanting to be consumed by you yet still exist in the here and now?

How do you pull me so far from that which I have always been, will always be?

How have you alone caused me to see what my world lacks, and long for it with a hunger I never even knew I had.

Consume me. Let your fires wash over me so that there are only ashes left. Let me know nothing but you and all that you are.

Take all my strength, all my love, all my dreams, all my fantasies, all my sufferings, all my laughter and tears and joys.
Take it all.

For without you, I am nothing.

H O N E S T Y

“You're too honest”
“It wasn't a lie, I just left out some stuff”
“I didn't want to tell her because I was scared it would hurt her feelings”
“No one actually wants to hear the truth all the time”
“I'm not a deceitful person, I'm just private so sometimes don't say things.
exactly like they are”
“It was just a white lie, everyone tells those”

I could go on and on with these. I have heard them my entire life and my rigid views on honesty have always been considered outside of the norm. I've felt so foreign in my own beliefs about honesty that I've often wondered if this is some flaw that I have, an area of growth I've somehow skipped and others made it through.

I understand that the vast majority of people will state they are an honest person. Yet, the way people define honest varies such a wide range.

A range.... I actually had someone define deceit that way recently. They said that deceit ranges on a scale from “neutral” to “evil”. They perceived themselves as just a bit past the neutral mark, and therefore nowhere near the “evil” end of the scale. I asked if someone that only deceives occasionally was on the neutral end of the scale and they replied that they were. I then questioned what would be on the evil end? Would it be someone that lied daily? If someone lying occasionally is what puts you on the neutral side of the spectrum, then lying often would put on on the evil side? At this point they said they didn't want to discuss it.

I am a stout believer in honesty. Maybe it is a flaw and stems from my far distant past of abuse and trauma as I've been told several times. However, when it comes to honesty I see black and white. No gray. No white lies. No deception through omission. No partial truths.

When I first meet someone, I approach them with full trust. I give them the benefit of the doubt and do not second guess what they say. Many have told me that my flaw is in offering unconditional trust rather than making people earn trust. However, I feel that if it is something that has to be earned, then it is not unconditional. I offer trust freely. However, once that trust is betrayed, I struggle to believe anything the person says again. I believe in unconditional forgiveness as well as that people can change. I will therefore discuss how I feel about honesty, how deception leads me to second guess all that a person says, and how honesty in interactions with me would benefit us both. Then, I give a second chance several more times. Yet, after a few times of being shown deception or dishonesty in any form, I am done. I will still associate with this person, however they've now been placed in the “associate” box rather than the “friend”, “best friend”, “lover”, “boyfriend”, “partner” or any other box.

Is this extreme? Possibly. Yet, everything that I offer is 100%. If I love you, it is with all that I have. If I fear something, enjoy something or am angered by something it is with all that I am. I love fiercely, laugh uncontrollably, and give freely. Full throttle and with nothing held back. What you see is what you get.

I don't expect someone to tell me everything. Yet, I do expect them to simply say that they don't want to discuss something or answer something rather than them toss me a lie. I respect a person's privacy and sense of self so am perfectly fine with this.

Maybe this is some flaw within me, a weakness, a vulnerability. Yet, this is something I will continue to strive for and seek out. So, if you're like me and crave someone that will always strive for complete and total transparent honesty, shoot me a message! I'd love to chat!

The Link Between Self Doubt and Self Care

I'm still working through it all, but I seem to have realized that for me, self care is intricately linked to self doubt.

Several years ago I was in a tight spot. I was tending to multiple youths and children with special needs and mental illness. One of them had multiple suicide attempts and almost died. I was so far beyond my breaking point. I spent all my time tending these youths and making sure everyone stayed alive. I felt fortunate to be able to find time or opportunity to shower. I never had time to talk to friends or go anywhere. The few times I may have had time or appropriate supervision for the youths, I was too tired to consider it. I had quit doing all the things I did to bring me peace. I didn't do anything that could even remotely be considered self care outside of showering and brushing my teeth. I only knew one feeling.... OVERWHELMED.There was ZERO self care.

Then I met someone. The first few weeks he spent telling me how strong and courageous he thought I was. He took me on dates and reminded me what it felt like to get away from the stressors and responsibilities of my life.

Rather quickly he wanted to get much more serious than I wanted. Yet, along with that he used my frailties to entice me to him. We could buy a large house that would enable all the youths I was caring for to have plenty of room. We could buy that house in an area that offered better psychiatric care. Since I wouldn't have to worry about the bills, I could stay home and focus on the youths. I would be better equipped to keep everyone alive. Through all of this, he assured me that he thought I was wonderful, courageous, strong and that he loved me already. Yet, at the same time he was planting doubts I'd never known.

He'd say things like, "You know, if we were married and living together, you'd have so much more time to help your kids. They'd be much less likely to reach a self harm or suicide point." or "If you and I were together, then you'd notice when one of the kids started to get a bit stressed and be able to be more pro-active about it." or "If we lived together then you would be able to get some rest in the evenings when I got home from work and you'd be more mentally refreshed the next day and wouldn't miss anything going on with the kids". He had an ongoing flow that never came right out and said I was lacking as a single mother, but that did that all the same. Had he come right out and said, "You don't have enough time to help your kids, you aren't proactive in helping them, and you're too tired to pay attention to them" I'd have torn him to shred. Yet, he didn't say any of these. He implied them in a sideways manner which resulted in my own self doubt.

Yet, had I been practicing self care all along, I'd have been aware of my own self worth and my own value. I'd have caught the manipulation in these statements and not allowed them. If I'd been practicing self care, then others couldn't have gotten away with causing me to so completely distrust myself.

When I first had the gut instinct that something wasn't right regarding our relationship, I questioned him about it. He told me that my heightened stress level over the last year had thrown my perceptions off. He said that my fear of abandonment from prior relationships had been intensified by almost losing one of my kids. He insisted that I knew everything about him, his life and what he did, but that I was so tired from the last few years I just wasn't able to trust what I really felt and knew to be true. He presented this all so matter of factly and seemingly intelligently that it caused me to pause and consider what he said.

Over the next few years, he managed to take away all confidence I had in myself. His gaslighting skills were on point, yet I was already doubting myself so much that I didn't notice when the gaslighting began! I would second guess everything.... my emotions, my thoughts, my words and even what I had done or not done.

I second guessed myself so much I didn't even see that I was in a mentally and emotionally abusive relationship. I left him when he became physically violent as that was something I clearly recognized.

Almost a year later I started to date again. Well, I didn't actually start to date. I started talking to people on dating sites and eventually decided to meet someone I'd become friendly with online and via text.

Over the next year and half, he became my best friend. He helped me start to remember who I was. He helped me fight back against the self doubt and gas lighting. He was my anchor, and my life raft all at the same time. Yet still, even as I started to learn how to trust myself again, I never returned to taking care of myself.

A year and half after we met, we started to date. It wasn't something really thought out. More along the lines of the whirlwind romance that came out of an impulsive kiss in the midnight hours one night.

He was my best friend, so what could go wrong?

Apparently, lots can go wrong.

You see, when you aren't practicing self care you aren't recognizing and accepting your own worth. I had never started back practicing self care. I kept telling myself that when I got the chores caught up, when the kids were out of the hospital, when my daughters surgery was over, when I had the bills caught up... I had this long list of all the things that had to be done before I could do anything for myself.

Ironically, self doubt had creeped in because I wasn't practicing self care. Now, I carried so much self doubt with me that I wouldn't even start self care.

Without self care, I wasn't able to effectively dismiss the self doubt.

With the lack of self care, self doubt, and all that came with that I didn't stand up for myself when I should have.

None of this excuses anything that went wrong in dating my best friend. He made some serious mistakes that hurt me significantly. However, when I tried to address it all, I was told things that had already been drilled into me. When he said that he thought I was over-reacting, that I had misunderstood, that I was misconstruing thing, I would go into a tailspin of self doubt. Ultimately I'd self doubt myself so much that I'd convince myself the issues weren't as bad as they seemed.

This created a nasty cycle of us going through the same crap over and over again. I'd feel betrayed by deceit, self doubt would be introduced into my mind, and I'd end up making apologies while the acts and deeds that harmed me would eventually disappear and never get addressed or handled.

One night when reading through our old messages, I came across many of the messages he'd sent me through our friendship prior to dating. The messages were he had helped me to start on a path of self confidence. Messages filled with insight into my own self doubt and how I could counteract it. In those messages also contained his advise that I start taking care of myself, that I actively do things I enjoy. He spoke of how if I didn't take care of myself, I'd fall apart across the board and not be there for anyone.

His messages two years prior had opened my eyes. I saw and remembered the path I needed to be on.

I'd like to say that he and I were on board with what needed to be done at the same time. I'd like to say that he and I both chose a path of self growth and thrived. I'd like to say a lot of things about us, but suffice it to say things never went as I thought they could.

The relationship ended. The friendship ended.

I, quite literally, ran for the hills. I took my youngest on a primitive camping trip. My son opted out early, but I stayed on. I sat beside the bubbling creek in the morning nursing my cup of hot tea. I laid outside and looked at the stars. I spent hours in the creek re-arranging and re-building the dam built by rocks to form a small pool. I cleaned it of leaves and rearranged it so the pool was clean and clear. I went for walks and drove to places I wanted to go. I hiked, took photos, and journaled. I found me. I found me through self care. With both of those things I started to combat the self doubt.

Ironically, it was the lack of self care that led to self doubt being able to eat away at me. It was self doubt that kept me from starting self care. Once I finally pushed past all the doubt and started to take care of myself, the self doubt began to fade.

On sites such as this we often focus on how we want our partners to care for us, or how we want to care for our partners.

Yet, at the end of the day one things remains true:

WE MUST EACH ADMINISTER SELF CARE TO OURSELVES.

Self care can change every aspect of your life for the better.

A Man, A Woman, and A Love Story

I look at you and see a man that has conquered so much.

A man that fought some demons and won but other demons he merely buried deep enough within him he thought no one would ever be able to sense they were there.

A man that has held a deep capacity to feel his own emotions but always kept them locked within certain limits.

A man who allowed the emotions of others to fully flow through him so that he could help them, no matter the cost to self.

A man that allowed emotions of others to live vicariously so that even though he kept his emotions under such tight lock and key, he still felt that he lived on some level.

A man that understands the full impact of whatever this is between us but most importantly, is strong enough and brave enough to not only embrace it but to embrace me in the same grip so that I am also strong enough.

A man that hides from the entire world and yet makes the world think that they know him.

A man that will live his entire life never being able to see how beautiful he truly is, but will believe it only because the woman he loved insists that it is so.

The woman who, already understands, that her life has forever been changed and altered in such a way that she will finally, at long last, have the safety and security she thought had forever been destroyed when she was just a small child.

The woman who would gladly give her life if that was the only way it could bring happiness to you.

The woman that knows, for the first time ever, that there is truly a reason to have faith in humanity and that reason is something she never believed existed:

A love like ours.

I Trust You, Please Hurt Me

I have always had restrictions on what could, and could not, be done to my body. Restrictions to ensure that I was always in full control. Restrictions to ensure I never experienced a flashback from prior trauma.

I kept the same type of restrictions on my heart. Restrictions in place to always ensure I never cared too much, never trusted too much. Restrictions that kept me from ever being hurt too much.

Yet, I trust him with every fiber of my being. I’ve said I trusted people before but I realize now I had no idea what trust was. None.

Trust is when you realize that in your heart of hearts, you don’t view your body as your own anymore but instead as his.

Trust is when you realize that everything he says you believe completely even when the sum of your life experiences tells you it simply any be true.

Trust is not wondering what he is doing when he isn’t with you.

Trust is being able to push away the fears and keep moving forward.

Trust is loving him completely without hesitation and without holding back.

Trust is realizing that none of the restrictions you held on your body and heart apply anymore.

Trust is asking him to bite you, to choke you, to claw you......... without holding back.

Trust is looking deep into his eyes and telling him, without a doubt, “I want you to hurt me because I trust you.”

I Fell In Love

The last few months have been so difficult for me. Trying to navigate a situation with a controlling ex-husband out to destroy my life, children with unique and special medical needs, a friend fighting cancer and so smuch more. There wasn’t enough hours in the day, enough of me to go around. Everyone kept taking and taking.

Except for my best friend.

My best friend made me laugh when all I wanted to do was cry.

My best friend kept telling me that I could get through this, that I would be ok.

My best friend didn’t go on dates so he could spend time with me through my darkness.

My best friend drove over an hour to my home to check on me one night when I’d expressed despair and then didn’t answer his calls and texts later (I was sleeping).

My best friend kept accepting me, loving me and pushing me to forgive myself for falling apart in front of my children.

In the midst of it all, I fell in love. I don’t know exactly when it happened. Just that it did. I wouldn’t think about it. I just pushed the feelings deep inside and ignored them.

Until he leaned in and kissed me. Not the kiss of a friend that just thinks we’d have good sex. The kiss of a man that cherished me.

So I asked.

He answered that he loved me and was in love with me.

We spent hours talking. We both shared so much, even tears a few times.

We drank in each other’s bodies, scent, soul. We explored and learned. We ignored the outside world and discovered each other in my bedroom, where he has been a hundred times but never touched me.

I slept last night intertwined with him after following him home. In his bed. A bed we’ve slept in several times, never touching. A bed now that felt more like a cocoon.

I don’t know where this journey will lead us.

All I know is that I fell in love with my best friend and the world is a dozen shades brighter than it’s been for months.

My Deepest Freak

My reply to a message from someone I’d been talking to for a while who, after a few drinks, offered up the question, “What do you want me to do to you,” followed by a string of specific questions:

So, for me to tap into my innermost freak, it is based on the relationship I’ve developed with the person. There are, most assuredly, various levels of trust. A person I would be comfortable letting smack my ass may not be a person I’d be comfortable allowing to choke me.

I am at a place in life where I want to take the time to build the type of relationship where I can trust on the deepest of levels. The type d relationship where Id try things I’d typically say no to just because of the level of trust.

I am so over mediocrity and average on all levels. Intellectually, motivation, aspirations, sexually.... I want to find a multifaceted person that is open to building trust and whose very lifestyle inspires me.

Yet, also one that is totally cool with letting me live my own life, raise my own children, and be separate and apart from interacting with that.

I want to develop a relationship with that type of person where I’d sale my soul if they asked.

For that person, it wouldn’t be necessarily about specific acts I would or would not want. There would be very few hard limits, no viable safe word, and merely a connection of spirits where every intimate act flowed between us.

Learning to Play Again

Through all of 2017, I had sex a total of three times.

That's a record. I started having sex at 16 and never looked back.

I'm 42, and I had sex a total of three times last year.

At first it started because I was knocked out of my comfort zone. You see, for several years I had a Dom. It was an unique arrangement that worked for us. He didn't want a committed long term relationship yet offered me more than I could have ever imagined. He helped me work through deeply entrenched PTSD issues from sexual assaults and gave me my first orgasms. He encouraged me to continue looking for my "forever" partner. When I would cross paths with someone I thought might be "the one", my Dom and I would part ways. We wouldn't communicate in any way as I pursued the path before me. If things didn't work out (to date they haven't), I'd contact him again. Most of those times we picked up where we'd left off with the understanding that when we were with each other, we were only with each other. No other play partners unless we were together and brought someone else in. If one of us wanted to pursue something else with another, we'd part ways and each would respect the others choice. It worked great for us.

He was my constant. The one person I could always rely and depend on to stay consistently the same.

Then, during the very end of 2017, things changed. He seemingly forgot that I couldn't be slapped in the face and did so on three different occasions. He started venturing into more submissive actions during sex. They weren't typically things I was opposed to but they were so different then the five years of consistency I'd come to know and rely on. I was at a point in life where I was overwhelmed with responsibility and craved the comfort of knowing exactly what to expect with him.

One night, the beginning of 2018, after we'd had a couple glasses of wine too many, he started speaking of his other two women. "On rotation" was how he referred to the three of us. He had us on rotation. When I asked more questions, he gave me answers that dumbfounded me. The first year he and I were together, it was just us as agreed upon. However, the last four years he'd had both of them. Not just during the times he and I were apart, but while we were together.

I was blown away. I had never suspected. During our times apart, we both knew that the other was with someone. Yet, during our times together, I thought it was just us. We were supposed to be completely open with each other. There was at least one time he told me he couldn't talk to me when I re-appeared because he was in a relationship. How could there have been two ongoing women that I knew nothing about. We had, what I thought, was an iron clad agreement that gave us all the freedom we would need. If he'd wanted to have women "on rotation", it wasn't something he had to hide from me for years. It just wasn't in the original agreement but that agreement was always known to be flexible.

If he hid both of them for years, what else has he hid? What do I not know?

These were issues I was already struggling with. I had trusted someone else completely and discovered that nothing had been what I thought. So I'd turned to my Dom as a reminder that there are honest people and to restore my faith in humanity. Instead, four months into it I discovered there were things I didn't know.

So, I pulled away from him. I needed to breath and find my faith in humanity without another human being helping me there.

I went months without seeing him. During that time, I had sex once with one other person. It was more than I could have predicted, totally unexpected, and quite nice. Yet, that person withdrew afterward in what, as best I understood, was a fear he may become emotionally attached and needed to work through some baggage before he could entertain that idea (which I've mad respect for).

Outside of that I remained on my own. I had several people pursue me, but I just needed more time to breath.

I visited my Dom again in June. I was super excited. I'd accepted that he'd deceived me, grieved the loss of what almost felt like innocence, and decided that the pros were still worth the cons.

Yet, everything was different. Although there had been times we both had a couple of glasses too many and ended up with a slight head buzz, this time he became drunk. I had always relied on him to refill my glass and never paid attention to how much I drank as he always withdrew it at what he felt was the right time. The slight head buzz was always the maximum limit. It wasn't until the movie went off that I realized I'd drank way more than I ever would normally. Then, I realized he had as well. Why were we both drunk?

Then, he wanted to visit the neighbors and introduce them to me. We'd always been just us. I never introduced him into my life, he never introduced me into his. We always knew about each others lives, but never did those lines cross. Confused, I went with him to the neighbors. He talked to them about me as if he and I were a long term, established, serious relationship. Expectations seemed to be laid down around me, and I was struggling to make sense of it all. Upon returning back to his place, I witnessed a seeming transformation that I'd never anticipated.

HE

WAS

SUBMISSIVE

It was nothing direct. Just a tilt of the head, a lowered gaze, a timid smile, a long pause.

I can't put into words the fire that lit inside of me and spread through my body. It had been so long since I'd dominated anyone. I instantly felt the slickness between my thighs. My mouth practically watered.

I
DEVOURED
HIM

In my still drunken haze, I incorporated things I'd learned from him into my complete domination of him. Things I'd never expected to do to him flew through my mind faster than I could react. His flesh between my biting teeth. My hand around his throat. My fingers twisting in his hair as I pulled his head back. The pictures falling off the wall as I slammed him into the door. I hadn't realized that I missed releasing my dominant side so much until that night.

Then, instantly, we both froze. I'm not sure what exactly happened that triggered it but it was as if suddenly we were both aware that there had been a complete roll reversal. I was shaking, he was shaking. Both of us quivering, drenched in sweat and suddenly uncomfortable.

"Hey, you're using my moves! Those are my moves!"

I just stared at his lips as he spoke those words. Suddenly sober and wondering what the hell was happening.

"Well, I never doubted that you were a good teacher," I replied. I TOLD him I was going to the fridge to get something to drink, still fully encompassed by my dominant nature yet frantically willing my body and mind to return to his being the Dom I'd come to rely on for years.

We ceased all activity at this point. We both conceded it was late and we curled up in bed to sleep. Yet, our normal sleep positions were uncomfortable. My body was still humming to the tune of dominance and a submissive sleep position was like a short circuit in my body. I simply couldn't transition that fast. We both laid there, unable to sleep.

I've not been back since.

That was June.

I haven't been with anyone since then. I recently finally got up the courage to go on a date and followed it with a second date. Yet, he wanted to kiss me. That kiss was a trigger that literally halted my interest in this new man instantly. We'd been talking for weeks. Both our dates were fun. He appears responsible, a great father, stable, incredibly fit. Why would my interest just switch off?

The lovely ginger that I'd spent one night with earlier in the year resurfaced. He wanted to revisit what we'd started. Yet, while the thought of this excites me, I also feel almost a panic at the thought.

That panic is present anytime I consider meeting someone new or revisiting someone from before.

I want to play. I want to feel my body respond to someone else's touch. I have plenty of options.

Yet, I feel nervous. I feel anxious. I almost feel scared.

I'm not sure what it is. Is it because I don't trust my own judgments anymore when it comes to those I share my body with? Is it because I don't believe that I know what to expect or what will come? Is it because I no longer trust anyone?

I am looking at the playgrounds before me. So many are inviting. So many will be a wonderful experience.

Why can't I chose one to play on?

I want to bypass the anxiety and learn to play again.